Journal

Hi! My Fellow Survivors. I originally wrote this in response to someone's blog over a year ago, who had just been told, they were suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder & PTSD, at only 22 years old, who felt like they would never be able to have a relationship, with a significant other, and why should they even take the chance of being hurt and abandoned, because of all the negative things they'd read, about people having to live with family, friends, or spouses with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I truly know what you're feeling, and I probably would have been worried just as much as you are. But seeing as I'm a lot older and wiser now. I know that I'm not alone, in dealing with these constant feelings, of not being good enough, or deserving enough for anyone to stick with us, for very long. I know everyone whether they wish to admit it or not, (and not just us survivors of child abuse), everyone has their own history, which affects their attitude, when dealing with someone, who has borderline tendency's, and especially our fear of real, or imagined abandonement. We can try and avoid, getting involved with anyone out of fear,(like I did until I took my first chance at 23 yrs old) of not only driving away, anyone we really care for, or those that seem to love us, before they get the chance to leave us, hurting and broken. Or we can try to get the help which, is readily available nowadays. Yeah they don't have a magic pill for us, and the process of healing, is usually longer, and more involved, especially if the root of the problem stems, from anykind of childhood abuse & sexuallized abuse in particular. Always looking for the wrong thing in an intimate partner, while at the same time, waiting for the other shoe to drop, or that concrete block, to fall on our heads.

      I've never regreted, opening up enough, to be vulnerable, to be loved, to take that risk. I've only regreted, my own inability to realize, that it wasn't always the other persons fault, for abandoning us. We usually do a very good job, of causing our own demise, or the failure of a relationship, because we either don't love ourselves enough, or expect everyone else, to do the loving for us. If we could only put that self-love, to good use, to nuture ourselves, to give ourselves, the respect & permission, to lighten up, to not expect everything, to be perfect. To stop putting everyone else, up on a pedestal, our friends, family, parents, and especially our intimate partners. Always giving them, some sort of power over us, which they will eventually, either abuse, or fail, or even bail, on us, because no one is perfect, and we all have our own problems, to deal with, mentally sick or not. I know I've been on both, the top of that pedestal,(for someone else) or been looking up, at that person, and actually expecting them, to love us enough, for both of us, to only survive.

        To thrive is the goal, not of perfection, but of neccessity, for us all to feel, what we should be feeling. Good, Loved, & Respected. You can't create it out of a vacuum, which most of us have lived in, since childhood. That void of time & space & emotion, which we needed to survive, sometimes horrific abuse & neglect. Which served us well, when we were small, and scared, and most vulnerable. But as an adult, only serves to isolate us further, to run away and hide in fear, of being hurt again, as if we were still a small child.

       I know what's wrong with me, what I don't know, is the scary parts, that my own mind, has kept secret from me. Protecting me, Isolating me, and making me suffer, without really feeling, what other people take for granted, and their expectation is for me, to feel the same, when all I feel is confusion, angst, or sheer terror, if I can feel anything at all.

        My problem may be more complex then most other peoples, because time works against us, and the more post, the traumatic experiences becomes, does not guarantee, the lessor their hold over us. It only guarantee's the longer the process of healing usually, old psychological wounds. I know I'm a heck of a lot better, then I use to be, I'm no longer hiding in fear, or wanting to hurt myself, nor end my life. I know it might still take years, to overcome, but I know it's possible & probable, that someday, somewhere, somehow. I'll know as much as I need to know, & in particular. Get to know my inner child, as a friend, not someone to fear. I think I've said enough, in this lucid moment, somewhere between my reality and the twilight zone, my living nightmare zone. It truly gets better, every single day that I work on healing,  I have no doubt of the eventual happy outcome.

May God or A Higher Power, Help & Bless Us All

(((HUGS)))

John

 I've just lost 36 hours of my life. After checking phone, bank, Email, and other records and sources. I've found out that since late friday afternoon until about 6:AM this morning. I have no idea where I've been, who I was, or what I did. I actually thought it was Saturday morning when I woke up fully clothed this morning. I had a migraine all day friday and the last thing I can remember doing was getting on a local transit bus to go to Walmart about 5:PM friday. I'm concerned about this because quite often a migraine signals a Dissociative episode to follow. Usually only 3-4 hours of duration. I've been dealing with this problem since I was a very young child and from 17-21 years of age I was absent for weeks and sometimes months at a time. It usually is preceeded by a headache but not always. Perhaps my recent (titrated) reduction from 4mg of Ativan down to 3-1/2, 3, 2-1/2, and now 2mg because of a pharmacy error that doubled my dose back in Dec/08, has something to do with my increased anxiety levels. All I know for sure is my reaction to stress has worsened. I know that once I can gain mastery over this Complex PTSD which has plagued me since childhood, perhaps these Dissociative episodes will diminish as well. Stress and Anxiety and I don't mix well at all. I do hope my girlfriend reads this before jumping down my throat, because I didn't do something I was supposed to do either friday or saturday. I just wasn't here to do it. Period. I spoke to my psych nurse this past tuesday about a few of these problems that concern me, such as my fear of gaining anymore weight, and the dissociative episodes. As far as weight goes I'm at a healthy weight still compared to this time last summer. I just don't want to get up to my set point weight again for fear of going above it again. One of these days I hope I can look back at my whole life and smile instead of look back in fear.

Thank You for reading this.

(((HUGS)))

John

From This Day Forward:

                                                JRM / 05