cableman4u

Open Personality Disorders
Type: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I suppose I've been dealing with Borderline issue's my whole life. I would rather play by myself in a corner then interact with my peers. I always felt I was wrong in my emotional responses, compared to other people. I'd smil inappropriately, laugh when other's were crying. I was so terribly shy and isolated most of the time, awkward in social situations, i'ld react startled to everyday things, noises, the slightest touch, I'd compulsively count everything and keep running totals, in my head

Treatments

Talking Working / Worked

I meet with my mental health Nurse Case Manager every week, which helps me socialize at least weekly, otherwise I'm mostly agoraphobic, and prone to panic attacks while out in public. I'm always hiding behind a happy face mask, and afraid that some little stressor may invoke a dissociative state. A big part of my day is spent trying to stay grounded. I try to tell other people about my problems, but most don't get it. Any strong emotion makes me want to disappear, run, hide, or panic ensues.

Open Sexual Abuse

Hi I'm John, My very fractured memories of my childhood, are much closer to the surface since I started to speak of them. We'll just say they started at around 5 years old and contiued through middle adolescence. Some were very horrific for me, Some were what my nightmares are made of. Buy the time I was 10 years old, it's what i'd become used to and feared most of all, but not nearly as much as I did when I was 12-13 years old. By that age I was thinking of suicide, all too often. to escape.

Treatments

Art Working / Worked

Art I thought would be my safest outlet, doodling was something I did all the time groig up, but traveling for art therapy, became a dangerous time for me because of my propensity to dissociate in crowds, and losing time.

Group Therapy Not Working

Twice in the 90's I tried to join a Male survivors group, only to find out both times, that some of the participants, were abuser's themselves. That freaked me out that the group organizers, were so thoughtless, and uncaring. I shouldn't have to be looking over my shoulder, in a room full of males, wondering if one of them might remind me of my former abuser's. Besides I have extreme trust issues, with any males, doctors, dentists, and anyone who may have to touch me, for their work. Unsafe!

Leave Working / Worked

Unfortunately for me it is very easy to completely dissociate, and in that way, leave it so very far away, from what most people would think is normal. I even moved 2,000 miles away at 21 years old, but couldn't get far enough away from the thought's and feeling's, and it just isolated me more from everyone else, including non-abusive family and the few friends, that I had not yet driven away.

Music Working / Worked

Music was what got me through my younger years from 7-21. I was in organized drum and bugle bands and there was some safety in numbers, except from 12-15, when one of my abuser's was in the same band. I was dreaming of a life in art's and music, that was dashed to pieces by 14 when I was put in Science, Technology, and Trades course, and denied participating in the school band because of low academic grades. I was the 1st trumpeter, in my junior high's school band, for 2 years prior to grade 9.

Talking Working / Worked

Talking and writing about my story, and getting positive feedback from all concerned. Has been the best help of all. So I tell my story often now, and it becomes a little less scary, each time I tell it. Unfortunately sometimes it is too horrific a story, for even me to tell, and triggers me, with guaranteed nightmares and flashbacks

\"The Courage To Heal\" Too Soon to Tell

I have 3 set's of the book and workbook but each time, that I started to work on the exercises, I'ld end up in hospital in acute psychosis. Perhaps I wasn't ready yet, or the therapist I was working with, wasn't prepared for my reaction, to such sensitive material. During the work I garnered a diagnosis, of Complex PTSD, Borderline Personality, and MPD/DID. I hazard a guess, that if it was only one thing wrong with me, perhaps it would have helped more. Great Books though

Open Narcolepsy

Well as far as I can figure out. I came about having narcplepsy naturally (my dad had it) and as a result of trauma to my neck, back, and perhaps brain trauma from a severe double whiplash. I first sought treatment in 1977 after experiencing my first episode of sleep paralysis and sleep apnea. I've been proded and probed with nerve conduction study's, sleep study's, CPAP and stimulents. my worse problem is any strong emotional reactions to direct stimulous. Cataplexyy can leave me falling over.

Treatments

Dexedrine Working / Worked

Worked to some degree, but the Ministry of Transport yanked my license while on this med.

Provigil Working / Worked

I always wanted to try Allertec but was told it would interact and interfere with other meds I was taking at the time..

Ritalin Working / Worked

Wasn't strong enough for me, although it seemed to work for my father for over 30 years.

Open Stress Management

It's too long a story to post here please read my journal entry under STRESS The Not SO Little Mind Killer

Treatments

Anger Management Somewhat Helpful

I apparently don't have any anger issues. At least that's what a psychologist determined after a series of appointments and $1,200 later.

Emotions Anonymous (EA) Too Soon to Tell

Never tried it but other 12 step programs helped me a lot with getting in touch with my Inner Child.

Hypnotherapy Working / Worked

Well it worked great in getting in touch with my alter's as in Multiple Personalities but most of them were either hiding or passive but rather cooperative and none showed much anger even as children.

Music Working / Worked

Ahhh. Music soothes the savage beast

Patience Working / Worked

Peace and tranquility and always multitasking enough to focus works best for me. Utter silence drives me crazy and makes me more anxious.

Physical Exercise Working / Worked

Always works for me the sweatier the better. Mountain Biking is my exercise of choice.

Seroquel Working / Worked

My drug of choice nowadays 100-250 mg helps quiet my mind enough to get some sleep. Any other time my 8 mg of Ativan PRN's help alot

Open Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Open Physical & Emotional Abuse

Hi! My name is John. It took a long time for me to admit that I've been on the receiving end of Physical and Emotional Abuse by a female partner. I guess it's that MACHO image that I was trying to protect, that kept me in denial for so many years. The Emotional side of the issue doesn't leave bruises or marks but in my own opinion has much more serious lasting effects.

Treatments

Abuse Counseling Too Soon to Tell

As strange as this may sound. I got more help from a Women's Center's Domestic Violence support group then I ever could get in a (male/victims) support group, afterall males and victims is kind of an oxymoron. Males are supposed to be the perpetraters, not the victims. And there are so many double standards in both the legal and justice systems, which are only geared to help women in trouble, rarely men.

Art Working / Worked

Art therapy like music therapy helped me deal with my eating disorders, and was of great therapy.

Divorce Working / Worked

I've been married twice divorced twice. The first I fought a long battle only to lose everything. (My 3 children, my home and most of my belongings.) The second one I initiated the divorce and it was settled quickly with no leftover baggage. I'm still trying to re-engage with my now adult children.

Forgiveness Working / Worked

The hardest part of forgiveness is forgiving my self. But I'm working on it.

Group Therapy Somewhat Helpful

I went through 18 months of couples counseling with my first wife, which was very trying, and in the end it didn't help. I sought out individual therapy with the first and second one, through 12 step ACOA, and Srituality programs, through my church and joint psycho-therapy with the second one, which wasn't working well.

Leave Not Working

I once moved 2,000 miles away to escape my family and abusers, but that was just running away from my problems.

Music Working / Worked

I was in Drum and Bugle Marching Band from 9-21 years old, which helped me deal with my drastic youth and kept me out of trouble. In later years music therapy, banging on a drum or playing a flute in a caring supportive Eating Disorder out-patient program, was very soothing to my soul.

Psychotherapy Working / Worked

Individual psychotherapy is what helps me the most but I have trust issues, that impede my success (especially with male therapist)I'm more comfortable in a setting where I'm the only male with either one female therapists or a group of women in therapy.

Talking Working / Worked

Over the past 2 years, Talking with people who have gone through similar trauma, writing and disscussions about the abuse has been most helpful. My life is an open book right now, and open for discussion with nothing taboo. I don't talk often, but when I do, I have a lot to say.