Rawb's Journal

I really wish I could financially take care of my mom and younger sister... they are the most important people in the world to me and it really pisses me off that they have to live this way... I hate that they are the most caring, loving people i know and for some reason get shafted into living in hell. My mom sleeps on the couch every night b/c theres only 2 bedrooms, and on the other couch sleeps my fuck-up for a dad (they're divorced and he's a drunk). My mom works full-time and takes night courses at a community college and when shes home she does whatever she can to make things better. My sister is in jr. high and keeps a positive outlook on things, it kills me that she still belives my dad (who sits on his ass all day or goes to the bar) can change, even after what hes put us through. He might be moving out soon (awesome!) but that means my mom is going to need help with the rent. I don't make much but she said if i had anything to give it would help alot. I know this is selfish of me but i feel sick b/c i kinda wanted to put away some money so i could goto school next semester, even next year would be fine, but adding rent to my list of things to pay for will eliminate anything extra i have.... I've applied at jobs all over with no success so i'm stuck with the job i have (better than nothing at all). I just wish I could give my mom and sis a life that reflects the people they are, but instead i'm a worthless liability (they try to tell me i'm not and that i take responsibilty for things that are out of my control but it doesn't change the way i feel). I blame me for not being able to make their lives better, my mom says god has a purpose for everything and he'll carry us through, but it bothers me when she says that. If what she says is true, what the fuck is this gods plan for her? What did she ever do to deserve living with close to nothing, struggling to keep a roof over our heads and food in the fridge.... and my sis? she has to live with this too. If there is a god he can take away everything i have if it means they could live better... I used to believe in a higher power, the thought of heaven and hell scared me and creation didn't seem like some coincidence, but at this point i'd gladly take hell if i knew they would be happier, i have no faith in anything anymore and that depresses me....