Journal

Hey everyone, i just wanted to give an update on how everything has been going for me lately. I know I haven't been on much but with all these changes its been hard to find time to be on here daily. First things first, I'm extremely excited about my job. I was given an unexpected promotion and am finally making the $ and getting the hours i needed! Everything with my family has calmed down temporarily so that has been a big burden off the shoulders as well. It seems like my hard work is finally being rewarded and this has eased my mind so much, no more stressing over the bills and worrying about my dad getting drunk and coming after me about not having money. Right now life is treating me very well, a change that i'm more than happy to take.

I really wish I could financially take care of my mom and younger sister... they are the most important people in the world to me and it really pisses me off that they have to live this way... I hate that they are the most caring, loving people i know and for some reason get shafted into living in hell. My mom sleeps on the couch every night b/c theres only 2 bedrooms, and on the other couch sleeps my fuck-up for a dad (they're divorced and he's a drunk). My mom works full-time and takes night courses at a community college and when shes home she does whatever she can to make things better. My sister is in jr. high and keeps a positive outlook on things, it kills me that she still belives my dad (who sits on his ass all day or goes to the bar) can change, even after what hes put us through. He might be moving out soon (awesome!) but that means my mom is going to need help with the rent. I don't make much but she said if i had anything to give it would help alot. I know this is selfish of me but i feel sick b/c i kinda wanted to put away some money so i could goto school next semester, even next year would be fine, but adding rent to my list of things to pay for will eliminate anything extra i have.... I've applied at jobs all over with no success so i'm stuck with the job i have (better than nothing at all). I just wish I could give my mom and sis a life that reflects the people they are, but instead i'm a worthless liability (they try to tell me i'm not and that i take responsibilty for things that are out of my control but it doesn't change the way i feel). I blame me for not being able to make their lives better, my mom says god has a purpose for everything and he'll carry us through, but it bothers me when she says that. If what she says is true, what the fuck is this gods plan for her? What did she ever do to deserve living with close to nothing, struggling to keep a roof over our heads and food in the fridge.... and my sis? she has to live with this too. If there is a god he can take away everything i have if it means they could live better... I used to believe in a higher power, the thought of heaven and hell scared me and creation didn't seem like some coincidence, but at this point i'd gladly take hell if i knew they would be happier, i have no faith in anything anymore and that depresses me....

So I met this girl a few weeks ago at a party, one of my friends (a girl that is friends with her) told me she was a lesbian before i even talked to her but i figured "what the hell" im very social so i got to talking with her anyways. Turns out this girl is a "gold star", which after i asked her what that meant found out it means shes never done anything with a guy... ANYTHING! She was probably one of the coolest ppl i've met, extremely attractive, and knew which buttons of mine to push to make a lasting impression. I found out later that shes an amazing singer and plays guitar/ukulele. I can't say a girl has caught my attention like this in a long time, hahaha its my luck to pick the ones that i really don't stand a chance with! lol it makes me laugh but at the same time i wish it could be different.