Journal

So much bad news and so much frustration and im out of it . I cant get my license back for at least three months and my cdl for six...im now not sure how im going to feed and house my family and for the first time in years i have this over whelming urge to throw everything that i can find at the wall just for the satisfaction of watching it shatter against the wall. Mind you im am the most unviolent person in the world but right now im so angry that taking a baseball bat to my next door neighbors disrespectful fat lazy (600 lbs) son sounds like a good thing. Maybe he will learn some respect. Over the last year my relationship with his mother has been very hurt by him as he yells at my kids and butts in on conversations that he knows nothing about and tries to tell me how to drive...the fucker cant even fit behind the wheel of a car, i have been driving for 15 years and never had an accident and three of those years were behind the wheel of a school bus......the thing that i cant understand is why this ass of a teenager ohhhhhh excussse me hes 18 but he has add soooooo you have to understand...MY ASS my son is add and i would never let him talk to anyone the way that this useless human does.......( ok this is bad i never talk like this) I am also sooo angry over this whole license thing......my damn dr took it away on the suspicion of narcolepsy with out even any proof and NOW i cant get it back for six months ....DUH school starts in a month and a half soooooo what am i supposed to do.im so tired of fallowing the rules and doing what im asked and getting shit on because of it, but i watch people around me screw the system on a daily basis and work under the table and still have the state pay for it all and i go to my dr because i have extreme eds ( daytime sleepiness) and she yanks my license...... drunk drivers will get pulled over time and time again and people on drugs will get in trouble and I go for HELP and im shit on...i pay my bills and am a PARENT to my children and im shit on and people think that im a bad parent because i keep my adhd son close to home because he dosent know how to say thats a bad idea...im a bad parent because i wont let him go in the pool because he was getting up before me and waking people up and asking them to take him swimming....Im a horrible person because my adhd child is not allowed to eat or drink at others homes because they give him soda and otter pops, not that he doesn’t on occasion have them at home but apparently they know better then i do. And he cant go to there homes because the last time they tried to start a fire with gas...took me 5 times to wash it all out of his clothes thank god it was pouring rain and they couldn’t get it started. I live in a shit hole of a single wide trailer but i see people living on welfare and hud living in beautiful homes and tearing them up( literally ripped the toilet off and instead of calling to have it fixed just used the hole......oh and hud just moved them to another beautiful home) But when i wanted a hud home we made too much money by a whole 50 dollars. And i was told that if i got a divorce i would get better help.........ok later we did split not because of that but because he couldn’t keep it in his pants and i even forgave him TWICE.....and yea i got medical out of it...but you think that i could get a HOUSE not a falling apart trailer out of it. NO child support ohhh but yep DADS GREAT Disney Land Dad its great there mom... we can run in the fields and ride anywhere we want and i dont have to check in every 30 min just a few times a day.......I dont have chores and rules mom can i move in with dad ( never mind that he lived in the same city and didnt contact you for a year and a half or that he cant keep a job or that he has 8 children by 7 women) are You ready to start throwing things yet? There is probably more but i cant think we wont mention the nail marks in my legs from last night when i fell apart and was grabbing my legs to keep from throwing things and of course i cant take anything like valium cause it makes me MORE crazy..............I think that i feel better

not doing good with the smoking thing its just too much a habbit