kyborn07's Journal

Here I am 49 years old and lying to my mom.  Actually NOBODY except those that read this even know that I have a journal here.  My husband doesn't even know.  We heard back on my thigh biopsy which they said was perivasular (meaning inflamed blood vessels).  Good news is it is not a subq or intransit met from my cancer.  We have been still waiting to here from MD Anderson about the local MRI that was Fedex to them.  Of course the damage and power outages from Hurricane Ike has slowed that all down.

THE LIE:  I told my mom today that I had heard from MD Anderson and that everything the MRI showed was MS related.  Heard a big sigh of relief on her end.  Not that acitive disease is great news but compared to active cancer in the brain it is.

Actually I have NOT heard back from MDA they are still getting back on their feet.  I did go and get the report and just acted like I already knew what it said and had spoken with my doctor.  Just that I like to keep a record of all the reports.

The report says they again see more MS lesions, active disease, white matter, FLAIR (whatever the hell those are).  It says "There is an enhancing focus in the left periatrial white matter measuring approximately 7.3 mm in greastest dimensions.  While this could be related to active plaque the possibility of metastatic disease could not be excluded.  Direct correlation with prior films is needed.

Which means I still need MDA to compare this MRI to the one they did on July 29th to know for sure if this is MS or the cancer.  I will send an email next week to see how they are doing with getting back to normal and to make sure they have not forgotten me.

REASON FOR THE LIE:  I have 2 older sisters one is 54 and the other 53.  Pam (53) went to the doctor recently and they found a mass, within days they had her scheduled for Mammo and ultra-sound, within days of that an appointment with a surgeon.  Today she saw the surgeon and on Monday they are doing a biopsy.  We are talking in less than 2 weeks they have done all these doctor visits and test and now set up for Monday.  She is scared to death.  She hasn't asked any questions.  She has given the medical people the authority to speak with mom.  They just told her that everything is showing very abnormal mass.  All indications is that it is breast cancer.    Then my oldest sister today tells me that she also has found a lump in her breast and now needs to get it checked out as well.  I don't believe she has told our mom.  I can't hide my cancer or my test because the entire family knows my history and how often I'm seen.  We are all super worried about my sister and of course my mom the worst.  No parent wants their child to deal with cancer no matter what the age.

So, yeah I lied.  I said I had the results and it was all MS when I don't know yet.  I did so because its to much for any parent to deal with - having 2 daughters waiting for results.  One to see if she has breat cancer and the fear because of the size alone that if so it is advanced.  The other with a history of cancer, cancer treatments.... waiting to see if it has moved into the brain.  Just to much.  I would hide all of mine from her if I could.  She is 72 years old and has COPD.  She is not a healthy person herself.  Our dad passed away at age 53 and over 30 years of marriage.  He had prostrate cancer from agent orange.  A blood clot hit his heart a day after surgery.  They never removed any cancer, opened him up and closed up.  The cancer was too wide spread.

I had thought of going home to KY for her biopsy but now will wait.  They said it will be up to 5 days befor they have the complete path report back. 

I am going to try and go home like maybe October 1st.  Ray and I have our 30th wedding anniversary on the 29th.  I would like to be here with him, as we have been through so much with my health in 30 years of marriage.  But I will head home if they go to do anything sooner with my sister and just to be there for her.

She knows I know how it feels, how scared you get, how many thoughts go through your head.  Though a different type of cancer - cancer still strikes fear and makes you realize that you will only reach the ripe old age of 80 or so with the grace of God.

I have no problems dealing with cancer myself, but I take it hard when somebody I love has it.  I want to fight it for them, because I know what to expect and all that goes with it.  She does not know that and I pray so much that this will turn out to be something odd but not cancer.

Venting here and praying, for my sister and my mom

Hugs

Deb

Think I'm gonna see if this site has a breast cancer group. Knowledge is power.