chinchinchicorytoo's Journal

But I still dread waking up in the morning.

The only things keeping me from killing myself are 1, I don't have anything to do it with, and 2, I know my family would be crushed, and I don't want to cause any more damage.

I want to cut right now. I still have marks from when I cut yesterday. They look like scratches from my ferrets. They have sharp claws, But lately, since they're growing out of their young ferret stage into their grown up stage, they aren't as wild and don't scratch me as much, so It would be harder to hide the marks from my mom. I just wear long sleeves to cover them.

It's 7:00 AM now and I'm scheduled to see a phsychiatrist at noon. I'm really bothered that it is a man. I get really uncomfortable around men. I think a doctor might have abused me when I was really young, to this day I get really uncomfortable around male doctors, ecspecially when they lift up my shirt and feel my back and check my heartbeat. It reminds me of when my dad used to rub my back and breasts when I was 5. When I hug my mom, she rubs my back a little over my shirt, like most people do when they hug, and that makes me uncomfortable. I know it's a little better with doctors and mom, because I know that the doctors are lifting up my shirt for a reason, and my mom is rubbing my back out of affection and not to get sexual gratification.

I'm just so incredibly frustrated that I have nothing now. I can't even enjoy the rest of my childhood.

For these past few days, whenever I get sad, or lonely or angry or feel guilty, I sit in my chair or lay back on my bed, and fantasize about how good it would feel to kill myself.

Just like when I get angry at someone, I think about how good it would feel to brutally murder them. I am positive I have anger issues.

Just please hope for me that my LMOTP DVDs get here in good shape! They better be, They're being shipped in from Canada!

I've been forgetting a lot lately, my memory is jumbled. I have way to much on my mind.

I really dont know who I am anymore, I've spent so many years imitating people. It seems like in a room full of people, everyone has a personality, a type of character, and I don't. I imitate how people say certain words, how people word certain sentences, etc. I just feel like I screwed up my whole personality.

Lately I've been suspecting that both me and one of my older female cousins were molested by the same person. I have a memory of me and her taking a bath together when we were about two or three, we might have even been one, talking and playing with our rubber duckies and spashing in the water, having fun, and her great grandfather coming in and using the bathroom right in front of us. And then he pretended that he saw us in the bathtub just right after he used the bathroom and left. I then have a foggy memory of getting up to use the toilet, and her laughing that I sat on the toilet with water all over me, (I found it funny too but I really had to go) and I think he might have come back in, But I highly suspect that he hid somewhere and was watching me because I vaguely remember him standing there watching me use the bathroom. I don't remember anything after that. I don't remember drying off, getting out of the bathtub, or anything like that. I only remember certain blocks of him being in the room.

But I also suspect that he molested her when they were alone together, because when she  was nine, she went to visit him at the nursing home and he and one of his friends were making really inappropriate comments about her.

I also suspect that my father might have forced me to have oral sex with him. As in, him making me perform fellatio on him, at a very young age. I have a really good gag reflex, if I accidentally half-way swallow some gum, I can hack it back up in 2 seconds at the most. I've been able to do that for a long time, ever since I was a little toddler, so I wonder...

Well that's all I have to say, I'll tell you about my appointment at the phsychiatrist when I get back later.

chinchinchicorytoo signing off.