Join Now
kate0783 
4:52pm, August 6, 2009
Lately it is taking everything I have to stay on this earth. I have been in a drepressive state now for about four days and can't seem to shed it. I am always "down" but this is like on the bottom. I got turned down again for a job, due to my record. When this happens it just reminds me of what a monster I am and what a loser I am for doing what I did. I know I am being punished. Take money from work... then you won't have a job again. I cannot get my record sealed until 2013. So until then? What is the point of being on earth when I can't even have a job like a normal human being. I hate myself. I try and remember the days when I was normal and didn't have all this anxiety. The problem... I can't seem to remember those days. It was too long ago and for some reason I like to block out my past. Even the happy times. Everything is hard to remember. My boyfriend and I are both trying to keep this house on unemployment but it's really getting hard. The next step will be to sell and both move in with our parents till we get on our feet. But... how do you get on your feet when you can't work. I can't get help because I slip through the cracks. I wasn't in jail, got a misdemeanor not a felony, and am not a single mother. Those are the people they help. So I am forever branded a thief and no company will ever ever take a chance with me. So like i said what is the point of even being here?
UPDATED GOALS
Comments
Kate - listen to me please. You are NOT a bad person nor are you a monster. For heavens sake-you are human and you made one little mistake a long time ago. Please stop beating yourself up. I want you to take a deep breath and consider that right now you have options. You do. You have a roof over your head today. You have food to eat today. You are safe today. Tomorrow will be there waiting for you like a fresh start. I just want you to know I am where you are right now and I feel your frustration.
TessTaylor
There is one OUTSTANDING thing about this entry, you have been brutally HONEST. However, if you do not listen to your friend TessTaylor then you will continue to SELF PUNISH, and that quite simply is illogical.
There is obviously a good reason why you choose to block out or forget about your past, but believe me, sooner or later you will have to deal with it because it will send you crazy otherwise. Irrespective of your past abuse, you remain intact, you remain whole, and that is the way the world views you, it is high time then that you viewed yourself in the same way.
You have almost, if not, reached the fork in the road, which way do you think you need to turn then to reach prosperity? Once you realise it, then go for it, it awaits you, it has done all of your adult life.
BeatinBP