kate0783's Journal

So in my last entry I mentioned I did something unforgivable. I was working at a retail store and I had a pretty powerful position.  Well I'm not sure what probed me to do this but I ended up taking money from the store. I did it on quite a few occasions and was begging to be caught. I felt addicted and COULD NOT STOP. I know you are thinking I could have but I really could not. I loved the feeling of making everyone happy. My parents were happy because I was paying my bills, I could buy my boyfriend nice things, buy dinner for my friends... No one ever questioned where the money came from they just thought I was working hard. I would lay in my bed at night scared to sleep. I would argue with myself in my head and hate myself beyond belief. I would poor a hundred pills in my hand and prey to have the courage. I would stay awake all night at first and then I turned to five or six sleeping pills at night to escape into sleep.  Well the day I had been waiting for and dreading came, I was caught.  Even though I was terrified I knew I would just end my life. I always told myself the day I get busted I will just kill myself. Well my mom would not let that happen and here I am still trying to survive two years later. I paid my price through the court system all though it doesn't seem severe enough to me. I had to go on probation, pay a bunch of fines, and be stuck with a misdemeanor on my record. That is nothing compared to the way I hate myself. HATE. I am a monster for doing what I did. I cannot forgive myself, nor can I ask God to forgive me. I don't know how to move on in life when I think I deserve to be punished forever. I wish I could take it back but it's to late for that. I was seeing a counselor but now I am unemployed and do not have insurance. So that ended. She was trying to tell me part of the reason I did it was because my grandpa molested me. That caused me to want to hide my inner feelings and be the "perfect girl." So being able to do everything I needed and wanted for other people with the money was because of that. I don't know if that's right but it's her opinion. Everyone tells me I made a bad mistake and I need to move on and quit punishing myself. I cannot.  I feel like I will forever be branded a thief. FOREVER. I know I will never ever do that again but it's to late. I disappointed so many people and I hate myself for it. I am really at a loss. I think about it everyday multiple times and it has been two years. I'm not sure how to end this journal so I am just going to end it tonight and continue later on when I am ready.