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kate0783 
4:52pm, August 6, 2009
Lately it is taking everything I have to stay on this earth. I have been in a drepressive state now for about four days and can't seem to shed it. I am always "down" but this is like on the bottom. I got turned down again for a job, due to my record. When this happens it just reminds me of what a monster I am and what a loser I am for doing what I did. I know I am being punished. Take money from work... then you won't have a job again. I cannot get my record sealed until 2013. So until then? What is the point of being on earth when I can't even have a job like a normal human being. I hate myself. I try and remember the days when I was normal and didn't have all this anxiety. The problem... I can't seem to remember those days. It was too long ago and for some reason I like to block out my past. Even the happy times. Everything is hard to remember. My boyfriend and I are both trying to keep this house on unemployment but it's really getting hard. The next step will be to sell and both move in with our parents till we get on our feet. But... how do you get on your feet when you can't work. I can't get help because I slip through the cracks. I wasn't in jail, got a misdemeanor not a felony, and am not a single mother. Those are the people they help. So I am forever branded a thief and no company will ever ever take a chance with me. So like i said what is the point of even being here?
UPDATED GOALS
Comments
Wow. Being unemployed sucks so bad. I used to hate working and wish I could be off now I would do anything to find a job. I've been off work for ten months now!! I can't believe it has been that long. I have applied for everything. I have a college degree but unfortunately nobody told me it was worthless when I was in school. I majored in health education and it seems nobody teaches health anymore(even though last year I had three pregnant seventh graders)! I am thinking of taking my college degree off of my resume. Every entry level office job I apply for they CLAIM I am over qualified. Or... they see I have a health degree and think I am going to be there short term. I am so screwed. Then today my boyfriend and I were out working in the yard for a few hours. It was so pathetic because being outside doing this actually made me feel like a part of society. All we do everyday is wake up, go to the gym, eat lunch , take a nap, eat dinner and go to bed. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am stuck in the stupid town with no money and no job. If I don't get a job soon I really don't know what I am going to do. I would stuff envelopes if someone would just give me a second chance in life. Uh... sorry I just needed to vent. I think it is pathetic raking leaves makes me feel like a normal person:(
Comments
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good you wrote it down. i do hope you felt a tad bit better. sincerely.
im in a job... STUCK in a job.. least that was how it feels like most times. somewhat like stuffing envelopes. hah. thank you for penning your thoughts for it struck me how ungrateful i have been to actually have a job.
my best wishes for our boyfriend for you and your boyfriend.
p.s.
you have actually a person you love, to wake up to. i wonder how that feels. you are lucky that way.
So leaving off from my last journal... I was having an episode when I wrote that and when I go back and read it, it makes me sad. So after that happened I actually got a teaching job about a month later. I was scared to go to the interview because of my record but by the grace of God I was hired. I was teaching in a bad town with horrible kids. I was physically hit three times, was told to f*** off almost every day and broke up at least fifty fights. It was crazy. I actually liked working with the bad kids but not trying to teach a class of 35 of them.( and i only had 28 desks.) My kids were always suspended and they thought it was a vacation:( They thought it was cool to gang bang and beat the hell out of others. That was one stressful year. I wanted to quit everyday but I somehow made it through. At the end of the year I was laid off with about fifty other teachers. I have been unemployed ever since. Wow now this is hard. I have had three interviews in the past week. And we are talking retail jobs. Anything for a paycheck. But I got denied because of my misdemeanor. If I can't even get hired at Walmart I really don't know what I am going to do. It is so scary. These unemployement checks are pitiful and I am going to lose my mind. I think my cat can't even wait for me to get back to work:) They are some programs out there to help ex offenders to get a job but I fall between the cracks because I have a degree, I wasn't in jail, and I don't have a felony. Life is a bitch right now so I am trying to find a good reason to stay here. I don't like life. It presents too many problems for me and I don't believe I am strong enough to get through it. Right now I wish I new Gods plans for me. I don't like the unknown and I don't want to be here. Thats enough for now...
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I'm really proud of you for putting all this down. It may hurt and it may not feel like much right now, but I can say that for me it was one of the first stpes in being happy again. I'm sorry that I haven't been around to support you more. I had a valid reason but still I want you to know you have my support.
Past Entries
| April 2009 |
Thursday, 4/30
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Tuesday, 4/21
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Saturday, 4/18
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Saturday, 4/18
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Saturday, 4/18
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Goal Updated
Kate - listen to me please. You are NOT a bad person nor are you a monster. For heavens sake-you are human and you made one little mistake a long time ago. Please stop beating yourself up. I want you to take a deep breath and consider that right now you have options. You do. You have a roof over your head today. You have food to eat today. You are safe today. Tomorrow will be there waiting for you like a fresh start. I just want you to know I am where you are right now and I feel your frustration.
TessTaylor
There is one OUTSTANDING thing about this entry, you have been brutally HONEST. However, if you do not listen to your friend TessTaylor then you will continue to SELF PUNISH, and that quite simply is illogical.
There is obviously a good reason why you choose to block out or forget about your past, but believe me, sooner or later you will have to deal with it because it will send you crazy otherwise. Irrespective of your past abuse, you remain intact, you remain whole, and that is the way the world views you, it is high time then that you viewed yourself in the same way.
You have almost, if not, reached the fork in the road, which way do you think you need to turn then to reach prosperity? Once you realise it, then go for it, it awaits you, it has done all of your adult life.
BeatinBP