Journal

So, I can't do this alone and trust me, right now I am very alone. So here I am. Looking for support even if it's just to vent. Now let's get down to it...

Who I was...  I was pretty and cared about my health and looks. I was strong, independent, feisty, confident, motivated. I laughed a lot and made others laugh. I was forthright, non-judgemental and patient. I had groups of good friends all over the country. I was the one my friends and sometimes acquaintances and co-workers would come to for advice.

Who I am... I'm angry, suspicious and reclusive. I am unmotivated. I am concerned about the state I'm in but have done nothing to change it. I am bored and lazy and lonely and heartbroken. I don't believe in myself. That is a good place to segue into how I became this way...

I'm going to keep this as basic as possible. I fell in love with a friend who was diagnosed with cancer. We moved in together while he was going through chemo. Literally the day I moved in, he was different. He was mean,angry, jealous and controlling. I let it roll and chalked it up to what he was going through and what he'd been through early in his life. This was the second time he was battling cancer and the third time for his life, a very bad car accident. Everything I read said this was normal.

By the time he was going through radiation, he needed me full-time and I quit my job to stay home with him. It was May 2007.

In July 2007 all of the treatment was over and we were moving to a new place. He was still being a jerk, but I was still giving him the benefit of the doubt. I was expecting to see my friend again soon. It didn't happen.

He said he didn't care if I ever went back to work and I should at least take the summer off. What girl doesn't want to hear that at least once in her life? I took him up on it.

Anyway, just to be clear, he was night and day. The great guy I remembered one minute and a controlling jerk the next. It's been over 2 years and I've come to realize that this is who he is. (Blah, blah, blah. I've given him every opportunity for counseling, therapy, anything. He says he gets it, but it's just to shut me up. It's too late to fix us.)

I'm angry at him, sure. I'm furious with myself.  HOW COULD I LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME!I know better. What advice would I have given to a friend if she had come to me with this? I would have told her to leave!

At the most basic level, I have gone from someone I liked to someone I hate in a matter of a couple of years. It gets worse...I have gotten myself good and trapped. The bad economy has hit and I can't find a job that will support me. I don't have a cent of my own money. And I'm in a lease with him until August. My family offers to help, but I feel like if I don't pull MYSELF out of this, I won't survive.

I have become soooo much like him.

I've gained almost 30 pounds of pure emotional weight. I've let him alienate me from my friends (you know the type, it's just easier not to have friends than to put up with the drama.) I'm still job hunting.

I have all the tools inside of me to fix every single problem I've mentioned, but I can't seem to do it. I know I'm depressed, but I also know what I need to do to help myself AND I'M NOT! It just makes me hate myself more.

I need support. I'm too ashamed and proud to go to my friends. It just makes me feel worse about myself. My family just tail spins into worry. Anyway that's why I'm here.

Here's a poem I wrote a few months ago when I was looking for a familiar outlet. It's accurate, but didn't help...

I’m locked out of myself.

I’ve been evicted from my heart.

My soul has changed its number.

I’ve been taken in by the stranger I’ve become.

She won’t let me go.

She cries for hours.

She yells to make room for the anger.

I ask her if I can leave.

She laughs and says ‘where are you gonna go’?

We’re in this together now.

Who I was comes for a visit and invites me for tea.

Just to give me a glimpse of what I’m not.

The stranger I am begs to come with.

If she would just stay away, maybe I would be let back into me.