Journal

I have had so much going on lately that I don't even know where to begin.

As I write this, I am crying. This emotional rollercoaster is just overwhelming.

I am still not over the whole "issue" with my grandmother - leaving me out of her will just days before she died, essentially disowning me and I will never, ever understand why. And I loved her so very much - it is devastating to hear these things now, 8 years since her passing (refer to old blogs if you want the story). I am just.....so hurt. So deeply hurt.... my words can't even express how deeply it hurts. It's the sort of situation I think might be stuck with me for the rest of my life - something that will forever haunt me and hurt me, until the day I die. And I will never understand it, never. The only reasoning I can think of is that she was so sick (metastatic cancer, maybe it had spread to her brain and impaired judgment) and with all the crap that my uncle was probably saying about me.... she just developed this "person" in her head, some awful person, and then just turned ME into that person, in her head.

I don't know. I will never know.

And I try not to dwell, I try. But this hurts. God, it hurts so bad. Please make this pain go away. My grandma hated me. She hated me?! How could this be. And how could my family hold this information from me for so long. Who can I trust these days? HOw can I trust anybody after this? Knowing that they knew all these years, and never said anything to me. Knowing how much I grieved for her, and all the while, knowing she wanted nothing to do with me. And that she didn't even want to see me, not even before she died. Didn't want to speak to me. What on earth did I do!? My husband doesn't even understand - he was there the last time I saw here, he was there when I would speak to her on the phone. Nothing indicated there was a problem. The only time something was "wrong" was the very last time I spoke to her. She was VERY cold on the phone - I had never encountered her like that EVER. I remember getting off the phone bawling my eyes out and saying "My uncle must have talked her into hating me... she hates me!" I guess those initial feels were right. Just... oh my god... it all hurts me so bad. I want to roll into a ball and BAWL my eyes out. But I'm not even sure that would make me feel better about this. I don't know that I will EVER get over this. This has to be the most devastating bit of information I have ever heard.

OK I am stopping here... I need some time to compose myself. I can't even see what I am trying anymore because the tears have been streaming.....

A few minutes have passed, and I am back writing. I've composed myself as best I can.

Switching topics... my son, my beautiful, handsome son Johnathan. He is 1 step from being diagnosed with autism. He has to get some genetic testing done first (test for Fragile X syndrome, to name one) and then after that, the official diagnosis will probably be made in August. And everyone tells me it's not a big deal - but it's a big deal to me!! I want the best for my son, I want to make sure he gets all the help that he can, I want as much early intervention help as possible.... I want the best for him. To find out he has a disability that may not let him reach his full potential just kills me inside.

Im going to end here. I am SO emotional right now writing all of this. I am just one sad girl right now.