Join Now
Jay13 
As i woke up at 5 once more feeling like utter crap and tired as hell I drag my self into what once was a vibrante and alive studio, filled with music and laughter. Now it is a hole of darkness and depression. No longer can I find a out let that let's me drain my thoughts and ideas. Before I could take my drawingboard and some pencils and draw, enjoy the sound, smell and feel of the pencils and end up with something I liked and sometimes loved. Yes I love some of my works. Yet now, I sit at the easel, staring at nothing, a empty darkness that laughes at me with venmous teeth. The pencils and markers are all gone and slick paint and othe types of fabric paints are now in the place. No more does the south side sun fill my studio or my hart. Where it would have taken me an hpur to start a painting with a sketch and then a underpainting, now day's, I frustrated with my clumbsy fat stupid unsensitive fingers wich can not find the lines once dry, the paint, labeld in braille is as forein to me as a sunrise now. I can no longer mix my own paints in a manner that aproves me, before it was a handeling I would not even think about, a thoughtless thing, a motion.
Before I could sit back and look at my work, see mistakes, spot color tricks and more, I would hang them in my studio, I was asked to show them. Before people would ask me to portrait there loved onces, there family, there pets, there grandparents no longer there. No more.....
I hate painting now, the slow, once fast and free, proces of waiting, and getting disapointed by the results. A learning curve is what I hear, just give it time, you need to discover a new way of...yes advice I get enough, sympathy a-plenty, help abundance, yet this I must do alone. But why would i, art comes now no longer from the love of this, it has found a new breeding place in my hart, hatred, darkness. I know that I need an outlet for my exprssions, I stopped painting a drawing and such for a few weeks and I was going insane, am I doing better now? Ploeing through learning curve after curve and such. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, if theere is..I hope it is a train.
