natalie119's Journal

Okay so i have to do my best not to sound conceited. But I'm a nice person. I try to be a nice person. I enjoy being nice and helping others. I also keep an open mind to meeting new people. They get to know me as i get to know them. I do my best not to judge others. I have no problem talking or hanging out with girls. I also feel comfortable hanging and talking with guys. For this entry i'm going to disregard my niceness to girls. I am keeping them out of this subject because i have not yet experienced this with girls. So here comes my venting. (Also, if you get offended easily, i would not suggest reading the rest of this entry)

So as mentioned before i have no problem hanging out with guys. I am nice to them, because i am a nice person. I treat them equally as i would anyone else.

Although i have noticed that sometimes my niceness is taken completely the wrong way. The cliche of these events is, maybe this boy never had a girl treat them with kindness and respect. And Sometimes these boys get little crushes on me. Sometimes they make it obvious that they think i am beautiful. Thats a compliment. I say thank you. No problem.

Other times there are boys who straight up say I LIKE YOU. Which puts me in an awkward position. I was not nice to them to make them believe i had those same feelings.. I was nice because that is my personality and I'm trying to be polite. If a guy asked me to lunch and i wasn't busy, i would not mind spending time with that person. But i realize that I'm giving this guy the wrong impression. Then i get in to the boyfriend zone. I tell them i'm seeing someone yadda yadda yadda, and sometimes guys take it okay. Others make remarks like "he's a lucky guy" and thats okaay too. ITs okay for the guy to be honest about how he feels. Bu its only okay to KEEP PUSHING IT.

SO where am i going with this? Well recently i had a friend visit me who graduated from a boot camp and i hadn't seen him in over half a year. Before he had said that he liked me. I said i was happy to be is friend, i have a bf, and friendship is all i can offer. And i THOUGHT he accepted that. When we met up at a restaraunt for lunch, we had a good chat. Then walking to my car he starts with this.." There always something ive been thinkin about doing while in camp..." And i stop him right there before he finishes. I explain he cannot kiss me because i have a boyfriend and i don't have those feelings. I tell him one day things will work out for him. He respects what i say and lets go of my arm. Thinking things were mutual, when he texted me "hi how are you" i update him with this and that and i am polite. Soooooooo then i get a text saying," so you are going to washington, when are we going to have "one day" ?? HUH??? So i really hate having serious conversations through text messages because you can never read the tone. I told him, when i said ONE DAY i meant that one day he will find another woman who can give him a good life that he deserves. He replies that he was only kidding and that since i had opened a can of worms blah blah blah he starts going on a tangent. Its not even worth mention the horrible horrible things he unleashed at me. This guy was manipulating my mind and trying to convince me that i am the bad person. I'm the tease, I'm fake, I sugercoated everything that motivated to feel these things, Im this this this and that. Then it escalates to, you never cared, you never prayed for me, you never went to my grad, yadda yadda. Then its gets to a worse point to where he threatens me, saying that he culd have kissed me if he wanted that, that if i tried to slapp him i wouldn't be fast enough, and that he can break me......

 I feel so sad that he had all of this anger. But my sadness turns into anger. This guy was supposed to be a friend. And he had all this resentment unleashed. To a point where he said he could hurt me...

I'm not happy about how i acted, however, i needed to be harsh and final with this guy. The last and final thing i said to him was FUCK YOU IM OFFICIALLY ON VACATION DONT EXPECT A REPLY. (talk about drama eh? lol)

THis is my relax time. MY VACATION. Its also my safehouse. The place i go for peace. My emotions were already unstable before this incident, and now i just felt... scared. I felt scared at the fact that he knows what town and i started thinking he was going to try and find me. Isn't that awful? I pray and pray for himm (believe or not) and for myself. I pray for my peace of mind.

This really got me thinking. Am i putting myself in a danger zone by being nice to guys? Do i have to keep my guard up at all times? That saddens me, the idea of putting up a wall at all times.... But its a learning process. My mother always said, NEVER TRUST ANYONE. I thought that was so silly hearing that so many times. Never? ANyone? How can i enjoy my life in fear? But i am starting to realize that i am putting myself in danger.

A very very smart friends told me to "beware of the wolves dressed as the sheep."

I guess i really understand that i need to be more cautious. I love DS and ive met great people here, and i have no problem keeping my feelings open to the public, they are only my feeling and opinions, you do not have to accept them. If i seem stand-off ish please dont take it on yourself. If i don't trust you completely please don't think im afraid of you. I am going through a process.

p.s. Looking over the text messages i realized when he mentioned "one day" there was a complete other half of the text that i had missed saying he was joking and talking more chit chat about his day. I began to feel guilty that i had taken the conversation so seriously, but i also think that if it didn't happen, i would still be misleading him today.

SOOOOO THOUGHTS ARE OPEN, AND THAT WAS JUST ME VENTING

P.S.S.

I AM STILL SOBER AND LOVING IT