Journal

I will have to make this brief! (library internet doesn't give me much time lol) But i have to say that i am extrememly content with how my life is right now. I'm still sober and i got to 2 or 3 meetings a day (to some it sounds extreme but really, its what keeps me going). I got a SPONSOR! FINALLY! And ive made some great new friends in AA and at first it was akward and i felt uncomfortable with the people ther. But as i kept going to more meetings, the more they introduced themselves, and opened up to me, made me feel more comfortable to open up to them too! The only rut that I'm in is not finding a job. BUt since my spirituality has grown i have been able to trust my higher power and live on faith. I know that if i want it bad enough it'll happen. I probably sound a little preachy but the only thing i can suggest to people out there that want to change. GO TO MEETINGS! GO TO MEETINGS. GO TO MEETINGSS (hey its only a suggestion lol) Really it was hard to make myself go and to be honest i didn't truly feel comfortable until after my 7th or 8th meeting. But having someone to call, hearing other peoples experiences helped me. I know that im not god, im not perfect, but the fellowship of AA/NA/Alanon is just a way of living. And to be honest i like the way of living through the steps. I like the idea of going to a meeting knowing that no one there is going to try to make me believe in the god that they believe in. Thats such a great relief! Its made me a happier person to know that i have the coice to live a good life. And i can't deny that things are still hard. They are always ggoing to be hard times, but at least im not using weed as my crutch. At least i can remember things better, lose my paranoia, not feel quite AS self concious as i did when i smoked. I thought that because i'm technically not al alcoholic that i should be going to AA. BUt i learned that Alcohol, weed, coke, whatever the drug of choice is, its addiction. The people ive met in AA are trying to cope with their addiction. I am an addict. I can admit that now. And i know that with the help of these meetings, i can be reminded that i can't dwell on the past and the hurt that i've done before. The past is the past and i'm living in the now. I take it one day at a time. I can't promise myself in 1 year that i will still be sober, but i do know that i for today, i DECIDE TO STAY CLEAN. Just for today. I really love all you strangers out ther and with you the best of luck with your problems. Whether you have deepression, substance abuse, family or friend of an addict, whatever reason your here on daily strength, know that there is a better way to live. And it doesn't matter whats happened in the past, you are capable and deserve just as much as everyboy else to have a good life. AMEN TO THAT! lovve ya PEACE!

47 DAYS SOBER. 

Okay so i have to do my best not to sound conceited. But I'm a nice person. I try to be a nice person. I enjoy being nice and helping others. I also keep an open mind to meeting new people. They get to know me as i get to know them. I do my best not to judge others. I have no problem talking or hanging out with girls. I also feel comfortable hanging and talking with guys. For this entry i'm going to disregard my niceness to girls. I am keeping them out of this subject because i have not yet experienced this with girls. So here comes my venting. (Also, if you get offended easily, i would not suggest reading the rest of this entry)

So as mentioned before i have no problem hanging out with guys. I am nice to them, because i am a nice person. I treat them equally as i would anyone else.

Although i have noticed that sometimes my niceness is taken completely the wrong way. The cliche of these events is, maybe this boy never had a girl treat them with kindness and respect. And Sometimes these boys get little crushes on me. Sometimes they make it obvious that they think i am beautiful. Thats a compliment. I say thank you. No problem.

Other times there are boys who straight up say I LIKE YOU. Which puts me in an awkward position. I was not nice to them to make them believe i had those same feelings.. I was nice because that is my personality and I'm trying to be polite. If a guy asked me to lunch and i wasn't busy, i would not mind spending time with that person. But i realize that I'm giving this guy the wrong impression. Then i get in to the boyfriend zone. I tell them i'm seeing someone yadda yadda yadda, and sometimes guys take it okay. Others make remarks like "he's a lucky guy" and thats okaay too. ITs okay for the guy to be honest about how he feels. Bu its only okay to KEEP PUSHING IT.

SO where am i going with this? Well recently i had a friend visit me who graduated from a boot camp and i hadn't seen him in over half a year. Before he had said that he liked me. I said i was happy to be is friend, i have a bf, and friendship is all i can offer. And i THOUGHT he accepted that. When we met up at a restaraunt for lunch, we had a good chat. Then walking to my car he starts with this.." There always something ive been thinkin about doing while in camp..." And i stop him right there before he finishes. I explain he cannot kiss me because i have a boyfriend and i don't have those feelings. I tell him one day things will work out for him. He respects what i say and lets go of my arm. Thinking things were mutual, when he texted me "hi how are you" i update him with this and that and i am polite. Soooooooo then i get a text saying," so you are going to washington, when are we going to have "one day" ?? HUH??? So i really hate having serious conversations through text messages because you can never read the tone. I told him, when i said ONE DAY i meant that one day he will find another woman who can give him a good life that he deserves. He replies that he was only kidding and that since i had opened a can of worms blah blah blah he starts going on a tangent. Its not even worth mention the horrible horrible things he unleashed at me. This guy was manipulating my mind and trying to convince me that i am the bad person. I'm the tease, I'm fake, I sugercoated everything that motivated to feel these things, Im this this this and that. Then it escalates to, you never cared, you never prayed for me, you never went to my grad, yadda yadda. Then its gets to a worse point to where he threatens me, saying that he culd have kissed me if he wanted that, that if i tried to slapp him i wouldn't be fast enough, and that he can break me......

 I feel so sad that he had all of this anger. But my sadness turns into anger. This guy was supposed to be a friend. And he had all this resentment unleashed. To a point where he said he could hurt me...

I'm not happy about how i acted, however, i needed to be harsh and final with this guy. The last and final thing i said to him was FUCK YOU IM OFFICIALLY ON VACATION DONT EXPECT A REPLY. (talk about drama eh? lol)

THis is my relax time. MY VACATION. Its also my safehouse. The place i go for peace. My emotions were already unstable before this incident, and now i just felt... scared. I felt scared at the fact that he knows what town and i started thinking he was going to try and find me. Isn't that awful? I pray and pray for himm (believe or not) and for myself. I pray for my peace of mind.

This really got me thinking. Am i putting myself in a danger zone by being nice to guys? Do i have to keep my guard up at all times? That saddens me, the idea of putting up a wall at all times.... But its a learning process. My mother always said, NEVER TRUST ANYONE. I thought that was so silly hearing that so many times. Never? ANyone? How can i enjoy my life in fear? But i am starting to realize that i am putting myself in danger.

A very very smart friends told me to "beware of the wolves dressed as the sheep."

I guess i really understand that i need to be more cautious. I love DS and ive met great people here, and i have no problem keeping my feelings open to the public, they are only my feeling and opinions, you do not have to accept them. If i seem stand-off ish please dont take it on yourself. If i don't trust you completely please don't think im afraid of you. I am going through a process.

p.s. Looking over the text messages i realized when he mentioned "one day" there was a complete other half of the text that i had missed saying he was joking and talking more chit chat about his day. I began to feel guilty that i had taken the conversation so seriously, but i also think that if it didn't happen, i would still be misleading him today.

SOOOOO THOUGHTS ARE OPEN, AND THAT WAS JUST ME VENTING

P.S.S.

I AM STILL SOBER AND LOVING IT