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About Me
needingfriends
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About Me
I didnt have much of a childhood. I was sexually abuesed by my father as a child. He was a very scary and violent alcoholic. I was very poor. Neither parent was a college graduate. My father had 5 other children that we knew of. Didnt meet or even know about half of them til i was about 8 or 9. My father also abused my older sister who eventually ran away. She is the reason why the abuse finally ended. The state took me out of the home. My mother had to leave the home and get her own place and have no contact with my father in order to regain custody. She knew about the abuse and continued to stay. Told me not te tell or ill get taken away. Being so young and knowing only my parents that was scary enough for me to not tell. My mother i guess was also being abused and was afraid to leave for her and our lives so she didnt leave him till we were taken away. She got a governments apartment and regained custody. I had to change school not to metion i had no nice things and lived in the projects. My father went to prison and i became my teachers and principles worst enemy. always in trouble. Middle school I was still a horrible student. Tried some sports but always felt inferior to the girs with brand new nikes. my mother started college so didt support my sports. Before i was out of middle school i was drinking boones, smoking newports, steeling them from the store, had smoked weed a few times and already snorted coke. While my mother was never home i looked up to another girl in the projects who was only 19 and had an apartment with her three kids. I took care of her kids alot for her. she let me smoke and drink. Starting high school is scary enough by its self right? well my mom decided to move us all to another state. I started high school with no friends. no tomie hilfigure anything. needless to say i wasnt a big hit. just another person in the croud. didnt even attemt to try out for any sports. started smoking weed alot more. failing all my classes. getting kicked out of classes for constant disruption. Got put on probation for not going to school. The first day of my junior year i dropped out of school. I started drinking all the time heavily using coke, speed, and weed. I went to jail a few times. In and out of relationships. Using unprotected sex. No one ever taught me about my period, pregnancy, condoms or STD's. I met a man i married 5 months later started college thought things were turning around then i find out I have been HIV positive for about 2 years. I was 19 at the time. I wanted to die. Only two months later i found out i was pregnant with twins. alot of stress on a relationship with me also being a full time student. Had a very rocky relationship almost split up a few times. My husband had a very bad temper and would break our stuff, take off and not tell me were he had been, not answer his phone, he held a gun to my and his head on different occations. Told me if i left hed make me misserable. Mentally abused me. told me he was only with me for the kids that he didnt love me. told me i was a bad mother. I still loved him more than anything and wanted it all to work out but knew it prolly wouldnt. our sexlife prettie much died. i felt no love. I wanted counceling he refused to go. He went to church occationally but it didnt feel right to me when hes geeting high right before church or giving his dealer money in the church parking lot. He smoked and sold lots of weed. I begged him to quit selling. I didnt want to loose everything we had. told him id rather be poor till i graduate. He sold it behind my back. in the i cheated on him in the midst of all this. he commited suiside. left me in college with two year old twins. i some how graduated. then it was bars, sex and alcohol even speed and weed and coke i hadnt touched it in three years but i couldnt take the pain any more. got more charges. paid lawyers alot of money. i started sellin weed. done everything i didnt want around my kids. its like all my expectations dropped. and i didnt believe i could give myself or my kids a good life anymore. I gave up. Two years went buy. i dont even know where they went. ive been in and out of relationships. i feel like a bad mother. ive been dating a man now for 8 months and we are engaged. sometimes i feel like its me and my kids then there is him. also i have HIV and he doesnt so that presents a whole round of issues. and ive never resolved any of my issues from my past so im not the happpiest person you ever met. and here i am. still smoking weed its hard not to expecially when my fiance does.My father is still in prison. I have no relationship with him. Im not using my degree. i try to go go church but its hard to believe. I moved to another stated to start my life over. my kids love me more than anything but i know i could be doing much better. I just feel so drained. my ambition has been crushed. I have no goals. I feel like im stuck in nutral i feel powerless. i know i need to do something but continue to do nothing wich never helps so im getting nowhere. i think about suiside but couldnt immagine leaving my kids. i hate my husband sometimes for leaving. its so hard to not just give up. but i dont want to just survive i eant to be happy. i want to be proud of who i am. I just dont know how to get there.
I didnt have much of a childhood. I was sexually abuesed by my father as a child. He was a very scary and violent alcoholic. I was very poor. Neither parent was a college graduate. My father had 5 other children that we knew of. Didnt meet or even know about half of them til i was about 8 or 9. My father also abused my older sister who eventually ran away. She is the reason why the abuse finally ended. The state took me out of the home. My mother had to leave the home and get her own place and have
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Interests
I love riding motorcycles, dirt bikes, four wheelers. Shooting guns. playing pool. Dancing and singing. looking good, swimming, jetskiing. BBQs, friends, shopping, laying out. being a dork. sports. and most of all being with my kids. would like to snowboard, play guitar and work out more.
I love riding motorcycles, dirt bikes, four wheelers. Shooting guns. playing pool. Dancing and singing.
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Wishing you a Happy Easter my friend..How is things going? hope in good spirits and know I am here for you if you need!..Anne in Az
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Little Love
My friend the 12 step program is awesome and its simple we all tend to keep from being "stereo typed" and found NA more comfertable then AA cause AA is the foundation and even though a drug, is a drug ,is a drug..It is PRINCIBILE before PERSONALITY...every meeting starts out same way all over the world and ...GOD is not excluded or included and people are growing at every speed..not at once and some cant get past certain time frames and relapse but relapse is not always the cause and as you sit in any room you can here those with outstanding achievement and one thing is certain....dont matter is you have 24 hours or 24 years...WE ALL ARE ONE DRINK OR ONE HIT AWAY AND THEN HAVE TO START OVER...some stay out because of shame but to be honest those are the ones I listen to...getting clean is easy staying clean is or choice....I am my worst enemy cause I do know how...HOw and thats the one reasons every one in that room is there for...same reason...to rub elbows with someone that knows what we are going thru...I was so excided to be part of something so positive but also dont have to do nothing first but listen and feel the room..these are people who have the tools we need and we take the first three steps and live by the rest....like any social gathering....be choicey on who will be your sponcer and dont have to get one right off cause SPONCERING SOMEONE IS THOSES WHO YOU CAN WORK THRU THE STEPS WITH YOU...confide and needs to be someone close to your story and with some earned time that work the steps not just know them....MY FAVORITE RECOVERY AREA IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD was in ABILENE,TX and if ever the chance to go there I would....but in your town you can go to any one or all listen and you will know when its the one I wish you all the best my friend and EXCIDED THAT YOU ARE THINKING OF SOMETHING TO BEGIN ACCEPTING and that fist step is a BIG one and no time limit and only thing to do is that moment..to be sober not a contest...I think you will love NA but do alot of listening and carefull putting all your sleaves on tables share only what you want....new comers are the most important person...means its still bad out there and hope is not only possibile but can be yours also!!! I am excided for you and rambling....I started out bitter cause of my anger and its very uncomfertable to start a strange life style...easier to stay miserable but my worst day now cant even compare to my best day in my using...and does get better..I am jumping around over here cause I remember that very moment of TRUE JOY....like a drug in its self Tasted it once and will have it again!!! so will you!!! I am crying happy tears for you and know you can even go on line in chat rooms ...PLEASE SHARE WITH ME YOUR ANXIETY OR FEELINGS on your search for a meeting try different one each time or if at least mixed it up...I always liked the early mourning ones cause by end of day at 7 pm I am fed up with people ..overloaded with every thing I needed to do so wasnt as open to here how grateful some one was awonderful day in the sober world and there count of how many days years they have.....I struggled every monent and still do at times....you start slipping way before you actually do SO THAT IS YOUR goal simply getting past that moment...days will add and then years and even if you fail...ONE THING IS THE 12 steps take all the fun out of it cause once honest its hard to continue a lie when you know the truth about you THE SEED WAS PLANTED and will grow!!thank you for including me and letting me share something I have not been able to think about...my health lately very poor and not walking the walk as i talk the talk...think I will take my own advice hit a meeting! love always Anne in Az thank you!!
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I am planning on a couple beers when I get home in about 15mins... so cheers to you.... :-)
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Goals
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Support Groups
Close HIV
was diagnosed at age 19. I wanted to die. but ive made it six years so far. have kept my hiv status as much of a secret as possible. for fear of rejection and judgment. I realize its not healthy to keep all my fears and disapointments inside so im joining to begin to accept that i live every day with hiv.
Treatments
Close Incest Survivors
was sexually abused as a child by my father. Have never dalt with it. never recieved counseling. im 25 now and my father is in prison and has been since i was 10. have no relationship with him.
Open Depression
feel sory for my self often. Havent had a real great life so far. I blame alot of current issues on my past. feel like i have no effort to invest into making my life better.
Open Sexual Abuse
was sexually abused by my father as a young girl.
Open Alcoholism
have been using alcohol to cope with pain or to forget about it sinse i was a young girl.
Open Marijuana Addiction & Recovery
ive been smoking since i was 10. ive quit a few times but somehow always find my self loading another pie or rolling another joint or blunt.
Open Cocaine Addiction & Recovery
Ive snorted my first line at 10. have snorted and smoked plenty more since then. I swore id never do it again, then i did. currently clean hope to stay that way
Treatments
- Cold Turkey Working / Worked
Open Meth Addiction & Recovery
have used many drugs including meth. swore id never do it again and did three years later. am currently clean and hopee to stay that way.
Treatments
- Cold Turkey Working / Worked
Open Single Parenting
husband commited suiside and left me with twins. theu are 4.
Open Families & Friends Affected By Suicide
my husband commited suiside leaving me to be a 22 year old widdow with a set of two year old twins.
Treatments
Open Widows & Widowers
my husband commited suiside two years ago.
