Join Now
RubyButterfly 
The whole idea of making my private life public is foreign and frightening to me, which is part of why I'm trying to do it, I suppose. My struggles with food and depression have always been intensely private, and looking back on all of it now I see that keeping everything secret was probably more destructive than helpful.
For example, I have driven away every one of my good friends over the last ten to fifteen years because I didn't want them to see me for what I really was--or, rather, what I thought I was (disgusting, pathetic, creepy, repulsive, psychotic, weak, lazy, etc.). At least I know now that those things aren't true, but I have still lost the friends. I'm honestly too ashamed of ditching them--and too afraid to show them who I really am--to try crawling back.
Yet? Ugh. I don't know.
This getting better stuff just goes on and on, doesn't it. Always climbing upward.
Upward's okay, though. Definitely better than sinking downward . . .
I think that's enough for now. I don't know much about how this site works, but if you're reading this, thank you for spending this time with me. I wish you peace.
RB
