Journal

     I was actually going to "break up" with my therapist this morning, but then we had this really good session.  I feel torn.  I am so tired of therapy (13 years and counting), but every time I feel like I'm ready to leave, I realize that I need it. Or, at least, that it's helpful.  My old therapist said some people are in therapy their whole lives.  Is that true?  (And am I one of them?)  I wonder how common this love-hate relationship with therapy is...

It is so gray here, one of those overcast, windy, cold spring days...

Used to love rain because I grew up in the desert and it was this precious thing.  Now that I've been here fifteen years, rain is not exactly magical anymore (which is sad for me!).  It's not awful or anything.  It's just hard for me to handle the dark days. SAD and all that...

But I'm okay:)  Trying to live my life with love.  There are a lot of good things happening, even if I can't quite feel them sometimes.

I wish us all peace,

RB

     The whole idea of making my private life public is foreign and frightening to me, which is part of why I'm trying to do it, I suppose.  My struggles with food and depression have always been intensely private, and looking back on all of it now I see that keeping everything secret was probably more destructive than helpful. 

     For example, I have driven away every one of my good friends over the last ten to fifteen years because I didn't want them to see me for what I really was--or, rather, what I thought I was (disgusting, pathetic, creepy, repulsive, psychotic, weak, lazy, etc.).  At least I know now that those things aren't true, but I have still lost the friends.  I'm honestly too ashamed of ditching them--and too afraid to show them who I really am--to try crawling back. 

     Yet?  Ugh.  I don't know.

     This getting better stuff just goes on and on, doesn't it.  Always climbing upward.

     Upward's okay, though.  Definitely better than sinking downward . . .

     I think that's enough for now.  I don't know much about how this site works, but if you're reading this, thank you for spending this time with me.  I wish you peace.

RB