AlexM25's Journal

its okay. not great. just okay.

i keep using these analogies that no one understands.

my friend hasn't called me back. wonder if i ruined that part of my life too. 

 my social circus has fewer and fewer rings. 

the only person i have talked to lately that i felt really  understood me was a complete stranger. she was nice though and a great writer. i'll see her again next monday i suppose. 

i like my new job. its not fun or anything and the people are just people, but i get a sense of purpose and at least i have something to do with my day. but when i think about it in those terms i get lonely. i usually am. even when i am around my friends. 

i know what this means. i know what is creeping up on me again. all those sneaky thoughts i don't want to be having. the ones that aren't healthy. the ones that scare other people and the normal part of me, but secretly intrigue me.

last night i was laying awake think how interesting i am. not in a narcissistic way. but just the way i can see me from outside of me. it was maybe a little too existential for me to put into words now but i thought about how funny it was how i can analyze myself from an outsiders point of view. almost detached. i feel like my own psychiatrist. asking how i feel. contemplating my own answers. checking for any new symptoms or tells. its kind of strange. probably not right. but i am sick. what is everyone else's excuse? they are the ones that made up a name for me. what do they call themselves?