Journal

Today I feel so sad and down.  I keep thinking of Brian.  I keep thinking of his body on the couch, sitting back, mouth open, still holding that friggin bottle of pills in his lifeless hand.  of the rigor mortis, of how a twenty four hour body looks.  I never asked Jane what she did with the couch he died on, I could not bear to know if she gave it charity instead of taking it to the dump - the thought of anyone sitting on it makes me feel sick.  Why why why am I thinking this way again?  I thought I had gotten past this months ago.  It has been months since the bad dreams, the bad pictures in my head went away.  am I going to be seeing these things forever?

Jacob is my hero.  I wish I could be more like him.  My beautiful nine year old son, had not visited his dads grave since the internment, 14 months ago.  He has been so afraid of even thinking about his dad's grave.

  He was at a nearby park yesterday with his babysitter and her mother.  He decided he wanted to go and they took him.  wow. wow. wow.  how brave is he to face his fears.  I am so proud of him.  He has more guts than many adults I know.  I often worry if I am doing a good enough job, if all the pain his father has caused will warp him in some way, I worry if he will grow  up to be a good person or a troubled person.  I think I dont need to worry quite so much.

I feel like I am on the edge of relapsing these last few days.  I have a hard time focussing, I am back in mourning, back to thinking of all the crap I have been through.  I need to get off my pity party and get on with it!  but I am lazy about that, procrastinating.  I have a dental appointment in two hours and am thinking of how to get out of it.  why - I should just go and get it over with, but I dont feel like being social today.  EVERYBODY knows of my husbands death, and there are always the standard questions - how are you coping, how is your son coping, etc - and I want to say to people none of your business!  I want people to just say how are you, talk about something else, dont throw it in my face.

I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it.  but I cant stop thinking of him today.  His birthday is coming up.  My motherinlaw wants to see me this week for her birthday.  And I cant stand the woman.  but her son is dead and my son is her only connection to him.  As a mom, I just cant be mean to a mom who has lost their child to death.  So I should my respect, while I cringe inside.  I promised his mom and his sister that we are always family, My son needs to know his dads side of the family.  Problem is my son gets creeped out by grandma - she is bizarre person of sorts, not quite all there mentally.  I wish I could cut her out of my life, but I do not have the heart to do it.  she is grieving too.  I just try to put off getting together and returning calls in a very passive aggressive way.  And I feel like such a bitch.  How do you tell this woman that her son really does not want her to be at his soccer games, that he does not want to spend time with her - I dont like hurting peoples feelings, and he is only a child, so I dont cater to it - I make him go.  maybe I should not do that, I dont know.  My husband grew up not knowing his dads side of the family because his mother did not deem it important after they divorced - and that was soemthing that always bothered him.  so I guess I do this for Brian, I think it would make him happy to know that I am trying to get along with them, in his memory