Journal

I have been reading on self harming this morning...and its amazing...because I have been doing it...thinking that I was the only one doing this to my body....

some of what I read..not sure how credible it is..but seems to be true for my experience..is that people who self harm is because they use it as a coping mechanism..especially when they are feeling emotionally overwhelmed/tense/stressed or in pain...therefore...self harm is like a quick fix...just like any other substance....yet it does more damage than good...

i want to stop torturing my body..and be more relaxed...and pain free..because the chronic pain in my shoulder and neck..and back...has been around for about a year..now...and its constant...so doing the wringing of my hands and all kinds of twists of my body..for lack of a better word....is not helping me..its causing me more pain....

gratefully there are the 12 steps programs..that can help me learn to deal with and feel my emotions in a more positive way..to stop harming myself this way....

god loves me uncondidtionally..and this gives me hope to love myself unconditionally and stop the self harm.....and hope that I get the strength..to give myself the quality time to exercise more often...exercise...is kep to let go of stress and tension..I just need to do it... :)...because I am worthy....

Ever since I moved back into my sister's house...I have felt very tense, anxious, worried...

At first I felt that the tension was mostly due to financial worries...but since a few months ago..things with my sister I...seemed to have gone downhill....where we clash..all the time....currently..I am just trying not to iniate a fight...that the only thing I do is say hi to her..and feel almost forced to do it...

part of me wishes..that the time would come...where she could say..ok..lets have a talk..or that I would have the courage to say...lets put in the table what is in our hearts and get honest with each other....I dont know if its my fear that stops...me..that I may not like what I would hear from her...part of it..might be true..and part of it..the fear of getting hurt for false accusations....I am trying not to be part of the marry go around..and not react to her behaviors...at times I don't know if its her...or how much the family disease of alcoholism is acting on her..and on me..for going along with her...

I was thinking today...that its not my body to rescue her, she can find the tools to take care of herself...I can only focus on taking care of one person..and that is me..and not go along with some of her demands and expectations which I can't meet for now...as selfish as that might sound...but just being around her...makes me through any serinity under the window...I feel like I find myself reacting to her behavior..just the way I do to the alcoholics in my life...except that she is not alcoholic...I am not really sure how she feels about me..and what motivates her to behave the way she is doing..I am just trying not to obsess in fixing her..instead to focus on my own recovery.....the conversation that we both need to happen hopefully will happen....and for the mean time....I just can't wait to save enoug h money to move on my own...I don't feel is healthy for me to live at home..like this...I am hurting myself like that.....

However....all I know that living at home...is painful...I am letting this situation hurt me....get to me...and its very easy for me to get tense..just by seeing my sister....weekends...seem to be a safehaven..since I can spend them with my boyfriend...

but....how long can I keep on running and escaping from reality?....its not fair for my relationship with my boyfriend....and for him to rescue me each time....

I have noticed that ever since I moved back home...I can't seem to sleep well...with the intensity of anxiety rising...body tosing..from side to side..waking up midnight..worries about finances...and the relationship with the sister not getting better....

My self realization is that I could defenitely need help from some type of step program that focuses on people who engage in self destructive behavior ...however, I get the feeling that al-anon and coda might help :) with this compulsive behavior..the importance is the awareness right now :)...and then being able to move forward to stop the torture of my body .... Ever since I was in high school....I did not care about my posture...hurting my back...creating back pain...

the hand wringing ..that  started when I was stressed/worried in fear because mom had fainted....not sure if because of the cancer or hepatitis...she had...and I was rushing to find someone to give her a ride...and at that point..I wringed my hands...it seemed nothing harmles....yet today..each time I find myself under stress/worry/fear....the self destructive behavior starts....from the nuckles to the hands, almost any thinkable thing that can pop in my body...for arms...shoulder joint, neck, knees, anckle, and the worse...my back....chronic pain has taken its toll from my neck to my left forearm

last night..I could not sleep...and it seemed that as I tosssed, each toss was accompanied by a back twist....with almost every bone popping in my vertebrates....and off course...i always overdue do it compulsively.....I am hurting myself...and even if I realize how much i am hurting..I can't seem to stop this behavior...

same thing happens to my face....I tend to pick on it with my nails....especially on the acne...making it bleed..knowing that there is nothing to pick on..and still keep on going...

I only pray that my higher power can help stop this destructive behavior....

but I am grateful for the awareness