DJDJ's Journal

Things lately are just taking a turn for the worse, I have been having this flare up that is out of control and I just can't seem to catch a break, Last night my pain level was so incredibly high I could not bare it any longer. So I took yet "Another" trip to the ER. What did they do? Gave me a bandaid pretty much. I am not looking for pain medication and I am not looking for sympathy. I am simply looking to figure out how to just keep this disease at bay and possibly if it's not asking too much to "Live a semi normal life". I have been so good with my diet, Exersize, Self Motivation, Speaking my feelings when need be instead of holding them in, etc. . . But it just doesen't seem to be enough anymore. This disease has really gotten hold of my life to the point where I can hardly even get out of bed anymore. I can't find any reasons to get up. I am hurting all the time. I don't have insurance so it's hard to get in to see a G.I. doctor. I am in so much pain it makes me sick. Quite litteraly actually. I spent my entire night puking my guts out. Which hurt even more because of the pressure on my stomach from throwing up. And not to mention I can't keep the prednisone down so when I throw it up I don't actually know how much is staying in my system so I have to wait to take my other dose in hopes that I will keep that down too. And if you know much about prednisone you can't just stop taking it or miss doses because it can cause severe problems with your adrenelin gland. I just can't deal with this anymore. There really is not much anyone can say or do to make this feeling that I am feeling go away. I have tried SO MANY different things and it's only getting worse. I am terafied of getting the surgery for many reasons and the Remicade© scares the hell out of me because I have seen the side affects it had on people. So what am I supposed to do? I feel so bad for everyone around me also because they try and try and try to help me out and it gets nowhere so they feel helpless. I don't like making them feel that way. My girlfriend is just so burned out of going to the doctors with me I feel bad for that too. I feel like this disease is not only affecting my life but others around me lives as well. I feel like just giving up and taking myself out of this world forever. I also feel that if there was a god then why is he/she doing this to me? I have lived an HONEST, LOYAL, MORAL, life and have NEVER done ANYONE wrong EVER!!! I feel ripped off! "I want my money back" in a figuritive way of speaking. I feel like I'm not going to last much longer. I am very suicidle and to be quite honest I have never felt so comfortable with the thought of taking myself out. I am not looking for sympathy, And I am not crying for help, I am simply expressing my feelings and getting things out. By writing this I feel like maybe I can go back and read it and get a different prospective on the whole thing. 

~DJ~