Journal

So I was doing so well with keeping my flare's under control and just out of nowhere WHAM!!! I am now experiencing worse symptoms than ever. I have tried everything in the book pretty much. It's like the pain gets so bad to where I am throwing up and crying on the floor. I just can't do that. So I go to the ER (No insurance) and they pretty much give me a bandaid and send me home with the usual 15 day cycle of prednisone and 500mg tabs of sulfasalazine along with like 20 or 30 percocets. Well I think I've been on all three of these medications like a billion times so I have built up a tollerance for them and their not as effective now. For instance just to get the pain to let up even a little I have to take like 6 or 7 percocet 5mg tabs. and that still only helps just a little. When I go to the ER they don't really judge me by my chief complaints but I have tattoo's and piercings so they think "Druggie" and treat me like a freakin drug addict. I HATE THAT!!! Just because there are so many drug seekers out there they ruin it for people really in need of help. 

So what do I do? 

I know I need a follow up doctor but without insurance that's seriously so hard. Especially on the bank acount! I need to just get the surgery or the remicade at this point. It's getting so bad to the point I have actually contemplated taking my own life because of it. The only real reason I have not done that is my son. I could never leave the little guy behind in this world alone. 

So then the next step comes in because I hold so many things back, I end up getting a nervous breakdown. I feel bad for my girlfriend. She has to put up with me and my shitty health. She is a trooper though I'll tell you that much. But I have a feeling that isn't going to last too much longer. I keep her awake by tossing and turning and moaning in severe pain. Not only that but all the hospital visits too. 

Long story short 

This disease is ruining my life! it NEEDS to STOP!!! Before I lose my mind, Girlfriend, Son, Life! 

I just don't know what to do anymore! 

~~DJ~~ 

Things lately are just taking a turn for the worse, I have been having this flare up that is out of control and I just can't seem to catch a break, Last night my pain level was so incredibly high I could not bare it any longer. So I took yet "Another" trip to the ER. What did they do? Gave me a bandaid pretty much. I am not looking for pain medication and I am not looking for sympathy. I am simply looking to figure out how to just keep this disease at bay and possibly if it's not asking too much to "Live a semi normal life". I have been so good with my diet, Exersize, Self Motivation, Speaking my feelings when need be instead of holding them in, etc. . . But it just doesen't seem to be enough anymore. This disease has really gotten hold of my life to the point where I can hardly even get out of bed anymore. I can't find any reasons to get up. I am hurting all the time. I don't have insurance so it's hard to get in to see a G.I. doctor. I am in so much pain it makes me sick. Quite litteraly actually. I spent my entire night puking my guts out. Which hurt even more because of the pressure on my stomach from throwing up. And not to mention I can't keep the prednisone down so when I throw it up I don't actually know how much is staying in my system so I have to wait to take my other dose in hopes that I will keep that down too. And if you know much about prednisone you can't just stop taking it or miss doses because it can cause severe problems with your adrenelin gland. I just can't deal with this anymore. There really is not much anyone can say or do to make this feeling that I am feeling go away. I have tried SO MANY different things and it's only getting worse. I am terafied of getting the surgery for many reasons and the Remicade© scares the hell out of me because I have seen the side affects it had on people. So what am I supposed to do? I feel so bad for everyone around me also because they try and try and try to help me out and it gets nowhere so they feel helpless. I don't like making them feel that way. My girlfriend is just so burned out of going to the doctors with me I feel bad for that too. I feel like this disease is not only affecting my life but others around me lives as well. I feel like just giving up and taking myself out of this world forever. I also feel that if there was a god then why is he/she doing this to me? I have lived an HONEST, LOYAL, MORAL, life and have NEVER done ANYONE wrong EVER!!! I feel ripped off! "I want my money back" in a figuritive way of speaking. I feel like I'm not going to last much longer. I am very suicidle and to be quite honest I have never felt so comfortable with the thought of taking myself out. I am not looking for sympathy, And I am not crying for help, I am simply expressing my feelings and getting things out. By writing this I feel like maybe I can go back and read it and get a different prospective on the whole thing. 

~DJ~ 

Ok. . . So. . I've been spending time today thinking quite alot about my reality and how things are going. I came to asking myself. "Am I happy?" Is this where I want to be? Is this the reality I want for myself? And honestly I'm not in the reality I want to be. I'm happy but could be happier and honestly I could care less where I am at as long as I am happy.

So how do I go about changing these things? I am trying to just figure out way too much right now in my head. I feel like it's going to explode. I think way too much! I don't want to sound like I've completely lost my mind so I'm going to cut myself off now. . . . 

Sometimes I just wish I would not think at all! Make sense? 

~DJ~