steph628's Journal

Well I missed work yesterday because I cried all night tuesday and some more yesterday. I did not sleep at all the last 2 nights.  Tuesday the jerk I'm married to let his girlfriend drive as a family to drop off my daughter.  He has told me that he is doing alot of things out of spite to hurt me. The main one is to dangle his girlfriend in my face and the family he is now living (susposedly happy with) in my face. Yes it hurts more than anything. I worry for my daughter and whether or not this so called perfect family will be around in a few months and what that will do to her.  My daughter also told me that daddy is moving into our neighborhood, litterally down the street from us. I'll have to see them all together daily now. Why would anyone do that? I want to keep my house but now I wonder if it would be better to sell the house, take the lose and move far far away.

I really would like to know why he thinks I was such a horrible wife. I gave up so much just so he could do all the things he wanted to do. I lived in debt all the time as a result of his spending. I put up with his drinking and partying. I lived with him not attending to my needs and wants. I always put him and our daughter first. I was always an after thought. I turned myself inside out to please him in the hopes he would love me. He never supported me in obtaining my degree. He never worked with me to live by a budget and to save for emergencies. We had a nice home and a wonderful beautiful daughter. That is the only thing I'm taking from this marriage that is worth anything to me. I should have let him go the first time he threatened to leave.

He will never admit to the fact he contributed to our marriage falling apart and pushing me away. He only blames me for it all. And a friend said to me yesterday that I had no self respect and how could he or anyone love or be in love with me when I don't have respect for myself. "I need to stop thinking that I was such a good wife when I didn't have a personalilty or identity, why would he leave?" I do resepct myself but I did do things I wouldn't have normally because I was trying to please him and keep our marriage together. I'm so hurt and lonely. The only people who truely know how bad this hurts are those of you here going thru the same feelings, doubts and questions. I thank each one of you for being here.

I have no idea where to go or what to do anymore. All I know is that I love my daughter and would die without her.