Journal

Hello my friends,

       I look back to the time when I joined DailyStrength.  I remember how scared of what I was going through.  Here I found the strength to get out and be able to live life with a new challenge.  I also seen that I was not alone with challenges many different challenges here and it made me see that I could get out and continue with my life.  I apreciate each and everyone on here and my heart goes out to each of you that continues to dig deep into there soule to walk through one more day.  I have to say you all have realy helped me and I cannot put into words how I realy feel.

     I have made realy close friends here.  I have also gained an online mom and a sister that I feel like I can say anything to her.  When she hurts I am there to lend a shoulder and a careing ear.  When I am hurting she returns the same back and I feel we have developed a relationship that will last through time.  It is amazing how many things we share in common and how we both look forward to talking to one another each and every day. 

      I am scheduled the 23 rd of this month to see the uroligist one more time.  I am a person that realy has fears of tests.  I am not just scared of pain but how upset I get,,,,and that I am scared that during this test if I get as closterfobic feeling that I always get I am  more worried that in trying to get out of that fearfull situation that I may hurt someone.  This bothers me more than anything the fear of what I may do just to get out of a situation that has me scared.  My indrocroneleoligist (i know i  just masacard that speeling of that word) has explained that he wants a bladder scan which is of course easy as falling of a log lol and he wants a scope of my bladder to assure that there is nothing physically wrong whith the bladder.  He is pretty confident in what is wrong which is neropothy.   My sissy has realy been encoraging me to have this test done as well as my best friends wife who works there.   aleisha said she is going to let the docter and the nurse know how nervouse I get during these visits and if all works out I can put this one last hurtal behinde me.

     Dailystrength thank you for being here and offering a way for frindships and careing to be passed across oceans and lands afar.  I care for each and every person here and wish them all the luck and careing in the world.  thank you all so very much for being here.

     Hello all my friends and online family.  I have had a few good days since I last wrote in this journal.  I find myself these days fighting depression more than anything.  I have always been a person that worries more about how people think of me than living life for me. 

     My friends say that I need to live life for me and that I need to love me for me not live life for everyone els's happieness.  Some of my friends on here I have confided in and know what I am talking about.  I was raised to respect others and I cannot say I know how to live life for myself to make decisions that will make me happy because these decisions will effect everyone around me so it makes me feel like I will be hurting them just for my own personal gain.  That makes me feel like I am being selfish so I baisically said to god that I would just get through life till the time he calls me home to his glourious home he has made me in heaven.  But there is not a day that goes by that I realy like myself frankly I can't stand my self my health issues don't help anything either.  Maybe some of my friends on  here may have a few thoughts or comments of support and hope fully be able to give advice on how I can live life for me  without feeling guilty of causing others hardships in that decision.

     As for my incontinence I had a realy weird deal happen.  It has been raining alot here the past few days and at work we have to go  outside to smoke and there is a car port that there is picnic table's under well the seat had gotten wet and did not appear that way when i sat down well haveing to use diapers I did not feel no diffference till i stood up.  I  always descreatly check to see if i have any leaks and noticed that my whole toosh was wet due to the bench being wet I never knew it.  I thought for a fact that someone would say something but you know no one did.  I went to change for the last of my shift and there was a good bit of wet pants there and not one person said one word I found this reasuring that if something ever did happen that maybe no one would say anything.

   I hope all of you had a happy fourth of july and was safe.  Hug to everyone and god bless all of you.