Journal

After being diagnosed at 36 it is weird looking back at my life... I look back on so much of my life and all those times I was crying but I didn't know why... there was actually a reason. I know I had nothing to be sad about at the time but I just couldn't stop crying. That would lead to feelings of agitation and would result in rage outbreaks, alcohol binges, or sexual binges... I thought I was just a "bad seed" but I now realize it was my brains way of acting out. I still suffer some self-esteem issues from my past life but I feel like I have been on an upward journey for some time now... it started before I was diagnosed but has improved by leaps and bounds since. I have had to deal with several physical ailments, the death of one child and raising three others... I look at my past and I am astounded that I made it through... not unscathed but alive... I have been through 3 husbands and many failed relationships, I have managed only to get arrested once, I have tried minor drugs in my past but managed to leave them far behind, I have made some wonderful discoveries about myself, my children, and the power of faith and love... love of another is great but love of ones self is something no one else can ever really steal...

I was diagnosed with BP a year+ ago... I had been seeking treatment for my ADD and for concealing for my relationship problems... My pdoc pegged right away that I was bipolar... and once I looked at the symptoms and negative life events BP can cause in relation to my own life... well so many pieces of the puzzle fell into place and I didn't feel as "crazy" anymore... the irony that being diagnosed made me feel more normal. I was put on Lamictal and Seroquel with success once things evened out (at fairly low dosage)... my relationship ended and I noticed a lot of tension and anxiety reduce... I stayed on my meds for several months and then talked to my pdoc about the weight gain side effect... he switched my Seroquel... I had an "anxiety" attack like nothing I had ever had before and I am so grateful that I was at home with my mom and son because I honestly feel I would have harmed myself... I took two ativan and some benydral to try to counter act the med... and after several hours I was feeling a little better... I went back to the Seroquel. My new fiance and I wanted to try to have a baby together so I talked with my pdoc about coming off my medications... we did it slowly and although I have some issues I have to be diligent with overall things are ok (I realize now how much my former relationship triggered)... I have been with Chris for 6 months and we are now married... still no baby due to some odd fertility issues... I will maybe give my body another 6 months and if I am not pregnant then I am going back on my medications... it is the little things like intrusive thoughts and scattered thoughts... I am noticing that there are events that I swear I saw a tangible object in a certain place and I turn around and it is not there or is some place else... this is the first time in my life that these type of events have happened (that I am aware of)... I am trying to get my mother and my husband to read a Q&A book on bipolar because it is still hard for my to explain to them my thoughts...