silkspectreII's Journal

I havent been online in some time now.  I moved in with the boyfriend and we had some issues with the internet.  But thankfully I'm back online and should be updating more regularly.  Life is challenging right now I really dont know where to begin...

My mother and I really arent speaking.  She refuses to recognize the abuse I suffered for so long and cannot understand why I had a complete mental breakdown causing my to fail out of school.  I am back in counseling and they actually put me on seroquel for the flashbacks and night terrors.  

I have finally got to the point where I am beyond furious at my mother.  None of this, the pain, the guilt, the severe depression where I wonder whether or not I should even bother getting out of bed, ITS ALL HER FAULT!  If she would have done her job and been a good parent she would have left my father when the drinking started.  She was the one who was suppose to protect me!  But she was so concerned with my brother she didnt even notice the abuse I was living with everyday.  I really hate that she didnt protect me!!!!  I really hate that she makes this all out to be about her and how shes suffering now that I've failed out of school.  It has nothing to do with her!  I'm the one who cannot function around people, I'm the one who has conversations with my dead father, I'm the one who has to relive every touch, every violation!

Im sorry for venting I'm barley getting by and she just makes me feel like a bigger failure than I already am.  

On a plus side I am back in counseling, start work on Monday, and Nick is teaching me golf.  I actually got a birdie on a Par 3!!!  The boy and I are doing well, weve had a few little fights but mainly over trival things.  Neither one of us have lived with someone in a very long time so it will take some getting use to.  He did the sweetest thing yesterday.  I was in therapy and we ended up running over.  Nick wanted to make sure my session went well before going to work and since my phone was still off he drove out to my shrink to leave a love note on my car.  Well I came out of the doctors office just as he was doing it so he crawled in my car and talked to me about my appointment.  I was so touched that he came all the way out to my doctor before he had to go work 10hr at the golf course.  

Well I'm off to watch the Cavs game!  Fingers cross for a Cavs victory :D