silkspectreII's Journal

So I officially failed out of college.  Thats right Dean's List student for the last 4 years failed out and her teachers have no sympathy for the little incest girl because I never told them.  How the hell do you tell your teachers you were raped by your father?!  They expect me to be open and honest about the things I am going through.  I cant even talk to my own friends about it let alone a stranger!  I am so angry, but I think I am more angry at myself.  I know attendance is important but as you know somedays its hard enough getting out of bed.  And even once your out, after a trigger its hard to keep yourself going.  I still dont have all the pieces together but I do kinda have a game plan and I could really use some input.

I know that as soon as I tell my mother I will get disowned.  That is not an over exaggeration, it is the honest truth.  She will take me off of her insurance which will probably put further treatments on hold, she will take me off my car insurance and take away my phone plan.  Nick and I have figured things out up to this point.  Next weekend he is switching my number over to his plan, this week he is calling about adding my car to his insurance.  The only thing we are still working on is health insurance.  I have been applying to everywhere for a job and I am praying I get a call soon but with our economy I am worried.  One of the bartenders at the club is supposedly getting fired so Nick has been talking to the manager about getting my hired on.  I already know all the member because of him so in that sense I was made for the position.

The biggest thing I am still trying to figure out is school.  I have thought about enlisting, and they said I am a good candidate but I have to take a pulmonary functioning test because of the asthma.  I was worried if they would do a psych evaluation but apparently they dont right now.  And since I sought counseling originally for family support because of my brother and his disability they do not know about the PSTD.  So military is option A.

Option B has already been initated.  I emailed my placement teacher begging her to let me student in the fall even though I havent completed all my methods.  I did pass my placement with a B+ woot woot to me so I am hoping maybe they will let me student teach and then re-do methods in the spring.  This would still get me kicked out of the house and left on my own but at least in the next year I would graduate with my actual degree and license!

Option C isnt a terrible idea it just isnt what I saw myself doing, but then again I didnt see myself failing out of college.  I signed up to take the parapro assessment which would certify me to be a teachers aide.  I could work for a few years as an aide and save up money to go back to school.  I also figured out I am qualified to have my associated in education and only a few classes short of my bachelors in secondary education.  I could possible transfere and be done with UT forever.  

So I know this is a long rant but I seriously do not know what to do.  Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.  Also I know I posted this earlier but if you found out your child was failing out of college how would you have liked to be told?