Journal

I havent been online in some time now.  I moved in with the boyfriend and we had some issues with the internet.  But thankfully I'm back online and should be updating more regularly.  Life is challenging right now I really dont know where to begin...

My mother and I really arent speaking.  She refuses to recognize the abuse I suffered for so long and cannot understand why I had a complete mental breakdown causing my to fail out of school.  I am back in counseling and they actually put me on seroquel for the flashbacks and night terrors.  

I have finally got to the point where I am beyond furious at my mother.  None of this, the pain, the guilt, the severe depression where I wonder whether or not I should even bother getting out of bed, ITS ALL HER FAULT!  If she would have done her job and been a good parent she would have left my father when the drinking started.  She was the one who was suppose to protect me!  But she was so concerned with my brother she didnt even notice the abuse I was living with everyday.  I really hate that she didnt protect me!!!!  I really hate that she makes this all out to be about her and how shes suffering now that I've failed out of school.  It has nothing to do with her!  I'm the one who cannot function around people, I'm the one who has conversations with my dead father, I'm the one who has to relive every touch, every violation!

Im sorry for venting I'm barley getting by and she just makes me feel like a bigger failure than I already am.  

On a plus side I am back in counseling, start work on Monday, and Nick is teaching me golf.  I actually got a birdie on a Par 3!!!  The boy and I are doing well, weve had a few little fights but mainly over trival things.  Neither one of us have lived with someone in a very long time so it will take some getting use to.  He did the sweetest thing yesterday.  I was in therapy and we ended up running over.  Nick wanted to make sure my session went well before going to work and since my phone was still off he drove out to my shrink to leave a love note on my car.  Well I came out of the doctors office just as he was doing it so he crawled in my car and talked to me about my appointment.  I was so touched that he came all the way out to my doctor before he had to go work 10hr at the golf course.  

Well I'm off to watch the Cavs game!  Fingers cross for a Cavs victory :D 

So I officially failed out of college.  Thats right Dean's List student for the last 4 years failed out and her teachers have no sympathy for the little incest girl because I never told them.  How the hell do you tell your teachers you were raped by your father?!  They expect me to be open and honest about the things I am going through.  I cant even talk to my own friends about it let alone a stranger!  I am so angry, but I think I am more angry at myself.  I know attendance is important but as you know somedays its hard enough getting out of bed.  And even once your out, after a trigger its hard to keep yourself going.  I still dont have all the pieces together but I do kinda have a game plan and I could really use some input.

I know that as soon as I tell my mother I will get disowned.  That is not an over exaggeration, it is the honest truth.  She will take me off of her insurance which will probably put further treatments on hold, she will take me off my car insurance and take away my phone plan.  Nick and I have figured things out up to this point.  Next weekend he is switching my number over to his plan, this week he is calling about adding my car to his insurance.  The only thing we are still working on is health insurance.  I have been applying to everywhere for a job and I am praying I get a call soon but with our economy I am worried.  One of the bartenders at the club is supposedly getting fired so Nick has been talking to the manager about getting my hired on.  I already know all the member because of him so in that sense I was made for the position.

The biggest thing I am still trying to figure out is school.  I have thought about enlisting, and they said I am a good candidate but I have to take a pulmonary functioning test because of the asthma.  I was worried if they would do a psych evaluation but apparently they dont right now.  And since I sought counseling originally for family support because of my brother and his disability they do not know about the PSTD.  So military is option A.

Option B has already been initated.  I emailed my placement teacher begging her to let me student in the fall even though I havent completed all my methods.  I did pass my placement with a B+ woot woot to me so I am hoping maybe they will let me student teach and then re-do methods in the spring.  This would still get me kicked out of the house and left on my own but at least in the next year I would graduate with my actual degree and license!

Option C isnt a terrible idea it just isnt what I saw myself doing, but then again I didnt see myself failing out of college.  I signed up to take the parapro assessment which would certify me to be a teachers aide.  I could work for a few years as an aide and save up money to go back to school.  I also figured out I am qualified to have my associated in education and only a few classes short of my bachelors in secondary education.  I could possible transfere and be done with UT forever.  

So I know this is a long rant but I seriously do not know what to do.  Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.  Also I know I posted this earlier but if you found out your child was failing out of college how would you have liked to be told?