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Badbet 
Today is the fourth day I haven't gambled. Still a baby step, I know. Actually, I haven't had the urge to go. The thought of going to a casino for the time being almost makes me nauseated. I realize those feelings aren't necessarily permanent. I know the war still isn't won, but maybe a small victory leads to bigger, longer lasting ones.
It's possible that right now my anxiety over how to pay the bills over the next few weeks is supplanting my urge to gamble. I am fortunate in the respect that I have a good job. For now it is secure. I make adequate money to more than pay my bills. It's just going to take some creative juggling to catch up and over come the deficits I have right now. All of that makes me ill too. There is absolutely no excuse for being in the financial shape I'm in now. I should have money in the bank. I should be sitting on easy street, even with the bad economy.
I had a conversation with my girl friend or perhaps ex girl friend last night. It wasn't good. We are not communnicating well. She is so outraged and hurt by all this. I don't try to defend it, but I really don't think she recognizes the control my gambling compulsion had or has over me.
For now, I can't even seem to concentrate on trying to fix her and me. It will be whatever it is, I suppose.
My energy level is very low. I try to keep busy with something constructive. I am working, but sort of at a minimum level. No one I work with knows about this problem. I can't bring myself to tell anyone that I work with or my employer. Should I? My fear is that just them knowing could jepordize my job.
More late.
Comments
Today is day 4 for me too. I was gf (gamble free) for 10 months and slipped into a doward spiral that lasted a month. Ready to get back on track and leave the gambling behind once and for all.
TKay
Those who truely matter will support your effort to stop gambling, those who take time to understand that it is an addiction that controls your life will be even more supportive. I found part of the cause for my addiction was that I was clinically depressed and didn't even know it until I tried to take my own life by overdosing. When they hospitalized me so many things became clear to me. Medication has helped in my case, and seeking help from a phycologist and conuselor has been a great help. Understanding your illness and addiction can make a real difference. I was like you, i would be so disgusted with myself because i should have been living life well with my job and income, instead I gave it away to the casinos. Then when i would get caught up i would go back at it. Till the bottom dropped out. Now I know there is only one way. Being poor wouldn't bother me. I just want to be free of the addiction and the hurt it causes. So far sept 2008 and counting.
mariechapp
Everything you are feeling is normal. You CAN fix you. I found that the more I helped myself and began to heal everything else just followed. Some questions you will have to answer for yourself, such as telling others. Your girlfriend is hurt also, give her some time. The people around us get better as we get better :)
Hugssssssssssssss Hang in there my friend.
Kimbers