Journal

Today is the fourth day I haven't gambled.  Still a baby step, I know.  Actually, I haven't had the urge to go.  The thought of going to a casino for the time being almost makes me nauseated.  I realize those feelings aren't necessarily permanent.  I know the war still isn't won, but maybe a small victory leads to bigger, longer lasting ones. 

It's possible that right now my anxiety over how to pay the bills over the next few weeks is supplanting my urge to gamble.  I am fortunate in the respect that I have a good job.  For now it is secure.  I make adequate money to more than pay my bills.  It's just going to take some creative juggling to catch up and over come the deficits I have right now.  All of that makes me ill too.  There is absolutely no excuse for being in the financial shape I'm in now.  I should have money in the bank.  I should be sitting on easy street, even with the bad economy.

I had a conversation with my girl friend or perhaps ex girl friend last night.  It wasn't good.  We are not communnicating well.  She is so outraged and hurt by all this.  I don't try to defend it, but I really don't think she recognizes the control my gambling compulsion had or has over me.

 For now, I can't even seem to concentrate on trying to fix her and me.  It will be whatever it is, I suppose.

My energy level is very low.  I try to keep busy with something constructive.  I am working, but sort of at a minimum level.  No one  I work with knows about this problem.  I can't bring myself to tell anyone that I work with or my employer.  Should I?  My fear is that just them knowing could jepordize my job.

More late.

Today is March, 23 2009.  I joined this site today.  I found it just by exploring online for anything related to recovery from compulsive gambling.  I hope being here and receiving support from and giving it to others will help me become the man I should be.

It's a sad time for me.  There are so many other adjectives that can be used to describe me and the circumstances I find myself in.  Every damn bit of it is because I gambled.  I've lost one I loved very much because of it.  I say I have lost her, it seems so to me right now.  I have a wee bit of hope that our relationship can be salvaged.  Through no fault of her own, she is a victim of my gambling.  I guess she has every right to be angry and distrusting with me.  Even so, I don't think she understands the grip gambling has on me.  I went to the casino, I lost money.  It was I who was angry and moody and remorseful afterwards.  It was I who put the money in the machine.  It was I who pushed the buttons.  It was I who left dejected, depressed and penniless.  It was I who then could not be the person she needed me to be.   But,,,,,in a sense  it wasn't me.  No where else on earth, in any other circumstance, in any other endeavor of life was I so wretched and irresponsible.  Is that some attempt at rationalism?  I do not mean it to be.  After all, it was I who made the choice to gamble.  Can one who has never been demonized by such a compulsion really understand the lack of control and self discipline?  Is it fair to expect them to?  Maybe that is too much to expect.  I lied, in a sense cheated, hid, obscured,  made excuses, broke promises.   I guess at the end of the day, I deserve her disdain and her seemingly cold heartless attitude toward me now.

Aside from losing her, my self esteem and confidence is at an all time low.  I go back and forth from thinking I deserve the worst punishment for what I've done to feelings of I am worthwhile, I have a good heart, I have abilities and especially the ability to defeat this scourge.  Of course, I realize now, I need help with it from somewhere or someone.  I pray, if God can hear me, to find the good path, to find strength, wisdom, discernment, and good judgement to do the right things, today and every day from here forward.  I pray that He bring the right people into my life, that He guide me, that He will bring about a change in me.  I have not been recently in my life a very spiritual man.  I am not even sure what I believe about God, if there is one, or if he responds to us as humans.  Maybe if there is no God, at least there is some higher power out there that will and can respond.  Maybe that Power is only found within me, somewhere deep in my heart.  From wherever or whomever it comes, I hope it comes quickly and decisively in my life.  I cannot go on living like this.  I cannot continue to endure the pressure, the depression, the physical and mental and emotional sick that I feel. 

I have so much to be grateful for.  I am healthy.  I live in what I consider to be paradise.  I have a fabulous job.  I earn a good living.  I have a wonderful supportive family, three adult kids that I am so proud of and they love me, in spite of how sorry I am.  I have three adorable granddaughters that I absolutely adore.  They are too young yet to know and understand any of this, only that I am their Pop and they love me.  They are so innocent. 

God forgive me.