Journal

Hi Im trying to survive years of abuse Ive growen up in a abusive home where my mum would continually yell at me spit on me push me up against the wall tell me i was a no body. I took this rather personally and when my mum sent me to live with my dad she told him i was violent so when my dad picked me up at air port He brought my uncle with him incase they needed to restrain me but my dad discovered quite quickly that i was abusive that i was a scared timid child that wouldnt look anyone in the eye and would even sit lower than everyone elae even if that meant i was on the floor. i ve growen up having no respect for my self so not surprisingly just left a verbally abuse partner. I felt sad and alone while going through this like no one understood and i started to belive i was crazy. If i would go outside for a cig cause theres been yelling for hours he would yell at me and say that my f***** cigarettes were more importnat than him if i tried leaving door open while having smoke so i could still talk to him i would get shut the f***** door now I started crying this day and saying but i really wont to keep talking he replied then you should have thought of that first before lighting your cigarette. He has called me crazy and f***** in the head and sick And one day i tried apologising to him as i was a bit grumpy at bus stop and had had 4 hours sleep a colicky baby had worked and ahd nothing to eat but i didnt yell at him or called him any name i just snapped at him andsaid dont talk down to me like im a kid please. He then said well your an adult cause you feel like one. It turned into my fault again so that night i tried to apologise to him he just screamed at me and said what makes you think your so high and mighty that i have to apologise to you I kept crying and saying please stop im not asking you to apologise im the one saying sorry not you but he wouldnt listen i begged him and kept crying and saying please stop but he wouldnt he kept just saying that hes not f***** apologising  to me. In the end i was so distressed i started hitting my head and pulled mt hair in the morning He told me i was violent cause i pulled my own hair. Another time he jumped towards me and flung his arms towards me so i Quickly picked up my youngest daughter as my other one was asleep and walked out door and went to neighbours as soon as i got neighbours i texted him abd told him were i was and that id be back soon. When i came back home he started yelling at me and telling me that was controlling behavoiur chloe how dear you walk out and tell me where your going. I started crying again and said no its not your being controlling and i did message you and tell you were I am He just responded by saying own your own actions and i can garentee any professional well tell you your behavoiur is sick and controlling. I just didnt know what to do. Its been like this continual the whole time we been together I kicked him out once cause he kept abusing me infront of my kids he stills yells at me on a daily basis and says he cant trust me cause i kicked him out And that i had no right to do that  and that im horrible and disgusting for kicking him out its got to the point where ive kicked him out 7 times and hes had 3 restraining orders on him from police to. But each time he would butter me up and id accept him back and belive the poor man is really trying im being unfair on him or if the buttering up didnt work straight away on me he would be nasty to me for vouple of days and drive me so low that i just about ended my life I told him ive had enough of you making me feel so worthless that i dont even wont to be alive so leave me alone and next minute he'd be texting me hey its all right im on your side ETC and then he'd come over to help me through my depression I was so confused still am And other times though hed be so nasty and keep doing it until i gived in either way he got his way he was back in my house and i was left confused and feeling crazy. So many people friends family and proffesionals have told me i should leave that hes abusive and there now fearing for my life. I never listened and im hoping this time i will. He found out today that one tme when i was suicudal i showed a message he sent me to my aunty so i could talk through my feelings and that once i showed my counsellor some messages he sent and i sent to each other so i could get her opionon and advice and find out what id done wrong etc So he started yelling at me today and saying how dear you talk behind my back He wouldnt let me explain and all ready all day Id had enough of him blamning everything on me and for months That he ended up storming outside and i tried forcing door open cause i just felt enough your gonna listen and stop blaming me for once and being so quick to anger So inturn he yelled out to all the neighbours what we do intamante in the bedroom i was so angry and hurt especially when he tried saying that me talking to someone trained when im down or my aunty when im suicudal is just as bad as him telling all the neighbours what we do privatley I was so angry i tried to hit him ive never tried to hit a partner ever before and feel ashamed but then the counselling line confiremed to me im not abusive i had just got to the point where i couldnt put up with the abuse any more it was basically last straw. I know this is true but i still feel bad i got out of the house and went to my auntys but he kept texting and blaming me for it that i told him to leave or im calling police as the house is in my name and we only been toghether 7 months. Guess what surprise surprise theres another order on him and i still feel so angry and disgusted that he yelled that to every1 and infront of my 2 girls and what makes it worse we live in units guess i should finish here but ill keep yous all updated please give some advice and tell me what i did wrong please