Alvi's Journal

I didn't sleep again last night. THere are so many nights right now that I do not sleep. All that happened yesterday with my aide is so hard and weighing heavy on my mind and heart.

It went from bad to worse yesterday. After she came in and stormed out at me that the services ended. And I said you can leave if you want to..Well she then called her boss on me and then said something I didn't even say. I was so hurt and upset. My PT person came in and I was crying. She asked what was wrong with me right now. I told her I was upset over this. My aide then came around the bar and wrapped her arms around me and hung on tight to me. That was so upsetting she got down in my face and was trying to talk to me almost nose to nose..I kept telling her please get off of me I don't like this. She would not do it and kept holding her arms around me. I finally lost it and screamed at her as I was bawling and I took and shoved her by her shoulders. She was like you need to stop it by then I was off the deep end just bawling. Jen my pt lady finally said to her go set down and let her be for now your not helping. Finally she walked away of course by then I was off the wall and could not seem to regroup about things.

I THen felt so bad about it all when she left even though I didn't start it I should of been the bigger person here. I sat and prayed for a longtime about it because I felt I was so totally bad. Guilt sat in an took over with me. I am not used to getting so off the wall and I relize that I lost control and that is not Godly.

SHe has no ideal how hard I am having it right now and how for the past several days all I have done is pray that I will be taken by God home..with not sleeping the saddness and feeling of despair is so bad. I set and look at all my morphine and wonder do I still want to be here. I don't but my Faith in God just won't seem to let me do that because I think I won't go to Heaven then..So here I still set with no sleep to amount to anything so tired I can't function well but still here. Wishing I wasn't right about now HEAVEN looks and sounds so good to me..

Lord help me through all of this and allow me to not lose myself in the process..Lord I do not like how I acted yesterday at all. Please allow this all to work out and me not to feel so sad. Lord please come and take me home...I feel I am not doing no one any good here..Allow me to be comforted and at peace with everything..I ask this in Jesus most precious name..AMEN!