Hit The Beach!
As promised, these are some pictures I shot at Ocean Shores on my day trip. There was a huge sand castle festival on …
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mianutzy 
12:01pm, September 30, 2009
I have not been able to write much in my journal lately. My feelings are all over the place and I have been having pain to boot (pain triggers depression, ocd, anger, and anxiety for me). Lately my thoughts have been turning to death and I am trying hard to focus my mind on positive things because I know that usually works for me. But lately it has been harder to do.
The OCD is stirring up some crazy thoughts in my head. And I am getting intrusive thoughts about harming myself and dying recently. I feel like a failure in real life. I am really beating myself up over things lately.
I need to push myself to do the things I need to do. And to remember what it is that I have been working towards... LIFE. I really want that. But my mind keeps drifting to negative thoughts that I cannot really have a great life free of pain. That starts me to feeling hopeless and gets me into the dark place I have warned others also depressed about.
In real life I feel too alone at times, because I cannot share with my loved ones how bad I really feel during these times. At least I have a therpaist to work on these uncomfortable issues that make some nice folks squirm and fret.
My grandmother died around this time of year of ovarian cancer. And my dad now has early alzheimers. I am missing many loved ones right now. Why must there be pain and death around to haunt my thoughts.
Fighting depression is hard work. People who are depressed are not lazy (I really got triggered by a stupid post today that seemed to imply depressed folks are lazy). Why on earth I let such a stupid batch of words nail me down to the floor.
I need to rest and be offline. Need to fill my real life with the same positive activities I tell others about. That is what has been working for me. I need to fight now for myself. Those words I recall from my old therapist I had to leave when my insurance benefits ran out. He was the first one to tell me I needed to fight hard, when I was suicidal last year. I really miss him as he was there when I needed someone there for me, to remind me to fight and to help me get the support I needed.
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Sending you strength at this difficult time. Set yourself a 'theme' for your photography - something to work towards that might help.
I know sometimes we fall into the pit and it's hard to see a way out however have 'faith' that it will. I think that sometimes we just have to accept that life is hard.
As for depressives being lazy - I have to fight that opinion all the time with my family. And my husband. Sometimes they don't understand that hiding under a duvet for days running isn't being lazy.
Willow666
Here are hugs for you and I am always here for you no matter what.please take care of yourself.HUGS
Liz65
The messages I get from normal people also piss me off. They see things using their own lives as benchmarks and see us as coming up short. Sometimes I tell them that their life is an inappropriate benchmark with which to judge mine, and the confused look they give me amuses me. Other times I just give them the finger.
I'm sorry about the medical problems in your family. I don't envy that, but I do envy the fact that you have a family.
Take care of yourself and recharge your batteries.
Scrooched
I know just what you mean. I have lots of depression in addition to sever panic disorder. Though I do all I can, lately I have run out of steam and at times wish to be gone.
Yet I'll encourage you to fight..it is worth it!
(((HUGS)))
Tkae care of YOU first...you're precious and then will have lots to give :-)
moonstar
I understand the need for a break. I can't stand the main depression board much anymore. It is more anxiety provoking.
Take care of youself. I can relate to how you feel.
((((HUGS))))
mystie
Everyone needs a break !! Feel better, and get the help and serenity that you need . Hugs, Sugar
sugar09