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mianutzy 
12:01pm, September 30, 2009
I am afraid to see the dr tomorrow. I am so bloated up with over 15 pounds of edema. My pain is back and the doxepin is no longer helping it , so I have had to take pain meds again this past week.
I wish I had better health. I wish I could get the two unfixed hernias dealt with. And that my weight would go back down. My hormones are so screwy. I finally had another period.. after waiting 76 days. Must be peri-menopause but why is there so much pain and other problems now.
I wish I could be thin and have a life where I don't have pain everyday. Why do I feel I am like a timebomb... and that some other problems evenually will crop up. Here I am, morbidly obese. Last year at this time I was dropping weight too quickly because of the anorexia triggered by my severe pain and ocd.
I know I am making progress, but it sometimes a defeating feeling to look in the mirror and see your body all bloated up. Or to try to walk and end up feeling abodminal pain from the hernias.
And then , it also doesn't help a person with agoraphobic tendencies to be so heavy and fear that if you go out in public somone might make a hurtful comment about your weight. Right now I am afraid to see my aunt, cousin and nieces because I have gained so much weight since we last saw each other. MY aunt has an ED and OCD also, but is able to control her weight. But the damn meds I take make me gain weight also. And my stomach often has pain that is relieved with food. I always feel the deck is stacked against me when it comes to food and weight issues. But if I try to control things I can swing to the other side.... ocd and anorexia/bullemia.
Right now I have to take care of my mind... which means I cannot stop the meds. That means no more severe diets. No starvation. My body is already physically damaged by years of eating disorders and depression. I have to take care of myself using TLC.
The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.
Anna Quindlen
(1953 - )
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do art daily
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I am sorry that you are going through a rough time. I am here for you always.take care of yourself.HUGS
Liz65
Saw the dr today... he thinks I could have polycystic ovary syndrome. He wants me to try metformin. My bloodsugar was up a bit during the last bloodtest.
mianutzy