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mianutzy 
12:01pm, September 30, 2009
Yesterday I got triggered when I saw several folks being suicidal online at ds when I came back for the first time in days.... it is not their fault I got triggered. Only I have the power to choose to let myself feel triggered. Two members here thinking of suicide I feel close to... and I am worried sick for both of them I was relieved today to get a pm from one of them that said he/she was going to the dr today. I wish that that person well as she is a sweet person and is dealing with so much.
This is a bad time of year for me to be online here at ds.... I lost a friend to suicide years ago when he decided to off himself like his mother did (same method, and even the same spot) . He just drove to a vacant lot and used the car exhaust to off himself. He had a large family to support (he was a mormon) and was bankrupt. He also worked at the local cemetary home picking up bodies and he trained me to work for a suicide crisis line. He was a nice guy and affected many folks at the cc line by choosing to off himself that october night.
This time of year is the one of the seasons of the year when suicide rates go up and calls to suicide lines go up. For that reason and the fact that I have a full plate here (pain issues, sleep disorders, trigger memories of past events, fathers alzheimers progression) , it is for the best that I limit my time being online. I will try to keep up my journal, but long periods online here at ds just aren't healthy for me.
I am at pogo.com more however... so if anyone wants to reach me, my profile name there is mianut. Hugs to all my friends here. Keep fighting and seek appropriate help when you need to. Give yourself extra tlc this time of year and work closely with your care team and support folks offline ... because online on groups like ds can only do so much for severe depression.
I will check in for short periods here and there at this place...
love and hugs to all, mia (mianutzy)
aka mianut (at pogo.com)
The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.
Euripides Greek tragic dramatist (484 BC - 406 BC)
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Get Out In RL.
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Comments
Every day I take a bunch of pills. All of them legal. I know I feel better when I am on them, even the side effects beat how bad I felt prior to being on all the meds I am on now.
Here's my list of pill by name...
the big guns...
celexa
buspar (2 tabs a day)
hydrocodone (from 0-4 a day, avg 1-2)
clonezapam (as needed)
doxepin (3 caps)
and starting tonight.... TRAZADONE
and my supplements...
B 100 complex
cranberry extract/buffered C
buffered vitamin C
Vit D
Omega 3 fish oil (3 caps a day)
magnesium
I avg 16 to 20 different pills a day!
So I went to the psych dr on thurs and he felt I needed trazadone for the chronic pain and sleep problems, as well as the depression. Also may help the ocd. (*off label uses) Then
also he is upping my dose of celexa.
Part of me thinks it is not going to help to up the celexa and add the trazadone. The pain from my hernia issues is my biggest problem and worsens all my other disorders by triggering anxiety, depression, and the sleep problems. Even my ocd gets triggered when pain hits me. The med cocktail make me a zombie. But hey I am game to try.
I found myself wondering about trusting the dr on this, and worrying about side effects.
Even feel a bit angry and paranoid that the dr prescribing the psych meds may end up makiing me crazier. LOL I guess it wouldn't be too bad, although if it triggers manic stuff I think that could be very scary. I tend to be on the depressed side... almost always low and blue when I am dealing with the damn pain.
Hopefully the meds will help and not hurt me further. I have already been hurt by drs too many times from being misdiagnosed and mistreated, to even abuse by a few drs and staff. I am supposed to try and trust the drs, but it is very hard to do so after all that happened to me last year.
Lately I have been stuck on horrible... so I need to try the newly tweaked cocktail and see if it helps. But I will be anxious. Times like this I wish I were normal (lol whatever that is) and not need to take meds to help me manage my disorders and stay alive and remain in the game fighting for life.
UPDATED GOALS
do art daily
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 11
Add your support
Go Outside
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 4
Add your support
Go Out & Shoot Pix Daily
Progress 95%
Encouragements: 3
Add your support
Get Out In RL.
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 5
Add your supportComments
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sorry you havent been feeling good if you trust your doctor try what he has prescribed if not get a second opion. take care and get well soon peace and hugs
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Hey Mia..I'm kinda in the same boat...I take about the same amt of meds if not more than you do...It scares me that I will have to probally have to take meds for the rest of my life...but we do what we have to do to keep going. I hope this new cocktail will work for you...I also hope the pain lessens and you can get some sleep and back to your art therapy. - Please take care- big hugs.
Having more pain lately . Today I didn't even go to my art therapy group because I was in so much pain and very tired.
The sleep study is over, and I will be getting a machine for sleep apnea.
HUGS
Comments
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Those machines can be a pain in the butt but try your very best to get used to it. Getting good sleep will help you immensely in just about everything you do. Good luck!!
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They had me try the full mask and I couldn't do it.... got too anxious. Did better on the nose only mask. Thanks for the support. Im off to get some rest now.
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I'm sorry you are tired and in pain.
I don't know if I've read but have you been check for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia.
Either way I hope they can tell you what's going on.
Feel better!
Past Entries
Goal Updated
Mia,
I understand completely sweetheart. When you are having many issues of your own, being on DS a lot isn't always a good thing. Sometimes you need to take a break from it all and just take care of yourself and your own needs. I count myself very blessed that I have battled and finally conquered my depression for good. Being in that position makes it possible for me to help as many people as I can and not have to worry about losing myself in the process. I'm not saying that I don't have some down days because I do, but I have the strength and support I need to make it through those low spots and my friends here on DS like yourself are always here to back me up. For that I am eternally grateful. You take care hun and look after yourself okay? I'll be here for you anytime you need a friend to talk to. Stay strong, keep fighting and get well. My thoughts and prayers are with you. And yes, acknowledging the great powers around us is such a great way to really appreciate the wonders of life. For me it's cobras, wolves and big cats (especially tigers) that help keep me "grounded" when I'm in times of doubt and puts me in awe of God's creation. Take care and may God rain his many blessings down on you my dear friend.
Love Always,
Chris
SUICIDALNOMORE
I'm so sorry that you were triggered. Take care of you first and we will be here when you're ready to come back.
browneyedgrl
I can understand the not coming here often. I don't as much anymore either and when I do it is mostly to check/send hugs and messages.
Take care of yourself!
mystie
Just an update... I am doing ok. The break is helping me. I have been busy doing art and playing pogo. . Oh I get my cpap machine on tuesday so I shall hopefully be getting better sleep soon. Hugs to all
mianutzy
Take care of yourself, I understand needing to take a break from DS. I find myself doing the same thing. Big Hugs
Friend19
Please take care of yourself and I understand that you need a break.I am always here for you.HUGS
Liz65