learningtolove17's Journal

Hey Amanda,

You know, I don't know what to say. I've been carrying on like nothings wrong, like I've accepted everything. Like I'm okay. I go to work, I hang out with friends, I even look people in the eyes... and then I break when I'm alone. 

How can you be gone? Dead. Its such a... permanent word. An ugly word. A word I'd never use to describe you. I mean why would I? It doesn't feel like you're dead...

Halloween is on Saturday. Last Halloween, you dressed up as marylin monroe. You came to my party. You were cold sitting outside, so I gave you my jacket. And then we all went inside and watched scary movies. I was hoping you'd sit next to me. 

Then we watched Juno and you laid next to me on the air matress. You ended up putting your head on my chest and falling asleep. I can still feel your body on mine.  I loved running my hands through your hair... you always smelled so sweet....

Later that night, you woke up and we ended up talking half the night away...

I can't have another party this year. I'd miss you too much. Way, way too much....

God Amanda.... why aren't you here anymore? Its not fair. You know that? Its not fair. You always told me that it was always me who was there for you, that you needed me... Amanda, I need YOU. I need you so much more thann you can ever imagine. I nneed to talk to you, I need to vent to you, I need you to make me smile annd to make me laugh and to remind me how great life is. I need you in my life Amandna. So where are you?

I need you....