learningtolove17's Journal

Your memorial was today. It was beautiful. All your friends were there. And I only ran out crying twice. Go me!

I don’t know why it is you had to go. I know it isn’t fair. Who am I going to take to go see New Moon with me? Who’s going to text me at 3 am when I can’t sleep? Who’s going to draw me the random bunnies, or force junk food down my throat? Who’s going to stop by for a 3 second hug, even when they’re supposed to go straight home?

Who’s going to read that flash drive I gave with all my writing on it? You know, I never let anyone see that much of my work. Ever. Who’s going to watch Desperate Housewives with me over the phone? Who’s going to bring me chili-cheese hot-dogs on their way home from school?

It’s not fair that you’re not here. I’m older than you. You shouldn’t have gone first. You’re too young. You could have given the world so much more. So why did you have to leave?

You know, I’ve tried for hours now to write about you: about what happened, about how I feel, about how much I miss you. And I’ve got to say, you’ve got this writer stumped. For once, I’m speechless- which, by the way, never happens. It’s like the words to describe you just don’t exist. Nothing can compare to the way your eyes danced with daylight, or the way your smile was more beautiful than the moon. Nothing can explain how I felt so light and happy when you made me smile, or how your laugh was one of those laughs you can never forget. No words are good enough when it comes to you.
Those pictures you hated are still on my wall. The book mark you made me is still on my desk. And that present I was making you is still rolled up behind my dresser. I guess I can tell you what it is now. I was making a sketch of you, me, and Amy ice skating. Haha I bet you didn’t know I could draw. Only a few people really do.

Who knew a brief meeting in the girls’ bathroom by the art room would lead to such a strong friendship? I sure as hell didn’t. Do you remember how we met? How you followed my blood trail, and then talked to me till my nose bleed stopped? After that, we were pretty much inseparable: the random every-weekend sleepovers, the movies and the county fairs, the ice skating and the ice cream fights, the walks on the bus ramp and the walks under the stars; even when you were in Florida, we still managed to talk every night. Boys, girls, dreams, fears, school, lack of school, jobs, friends, family… everything: we talked about everything, didn’t we? And we never even had a fight- unless you count me calling you communist for hating ice cream.

Some people don’t get why I’m such a wreck over losing you. I mean yeah, I’ve lost friends before. Best friends at that. But they weren’t like you. No one was like you in this world. Brittney chose to die. Matt was an a**. You… you were… the last person on Earth that deserved to die before the age of one hundred and five. No, I’m not kidding. I didn’t know you long… only about two years… but damn Amanda, you were my best friend. You were supposed to be my bridesmaid. You were supposed to be there cheering for me as I tripped walking across the stage at graduation. You were supposed to see me on the news 15 years from now and be like, “Oh my god! You see that woman in the handcuffs meowing? That’s my best friend!” We were supposed to have play-dates with our kids, and then have them fall madly in love so we could be family. You were supposed to be there for my 18th birthday when they try to drag me to a gay bar. You were supposed to go see New Moon with me, and annoy me by saying every line before the actors do. You were supposed to do my makeup for prom. Oh, and my hair too. You were supposed to come to all my STAND fundraisers, and meow at the protesters. You were supposed to decorate my name tag with bunnies for work. You were supposed to do so much… and now, you only get to watch.

I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad. I know you’d want me to eat, and to sleep, and to laugh and smile like I always do. . And I know you’d want my life to keep moving on, even though you’re not visible in it anymore. Most of all, though, I know you would hate to see me cry like I have been. A few tears wouldn’t matter so much, but I know you would hate the meltdowns I keep having. So maybe you can tell me how to make them stop? I swear, I have no clue how to stop feeling like this. It’s like my heart was in that car with you, and now it’s shattered in more than a million pieces. All these memories just keep popping into my head, and although they make me smile, they make me cry. And the more I cry, the more memories that pop into my head. And so I just cry harder and harder.

I love you Amanda. I hope you knew that all along, because it’s true. I just can’t believe you’re gone, you know? It was just last week we were talking about Aaron, and about the NAVY, and you being a teacher, and everything else. It was just last week that I saw you happy and full of life. And it kills me. I still remember that day you came over after my breakup. I was crying so hard that I couldn’t stop. And you sat down next to me, grabbed my chin, and looked me dead in the eyes. You said, “Kara. Stop.” And I stopped. Then you said, “I know it hurts. I know it hurts like hell because you love her. But crying won’t change a thing.” And I admit, I felt better after that; I didn’t stop crying, but I didn’t cry quite so much. And I remember I said, “She promised me forever. I should have known better, that things never stay the same for long.” And you stopped me and whispered, “She’ll be back. She loves you too much.” And then you looked and me and said, “And you’re wrong. One thing will always stay the same, no matter what.” And I just looked at you with my confused, “I’m and idiot” look and you laughed. I remember you told me, “We will always be best friends. No matter where we are, what or who we’re doing, where life takes us, or where life doesn’t take us, we will always be best friends.” Then, a little louder, you said, “Always.”

And you were right. Always. We will always be best friends. Even though I can’t hug you anymore, and I’ll have to wait awhile to see you again, we will always be best friends. Because a friendship like ours is once in a lifetime.

I love you Amanda. Please keep watch over everyone who loves you. And go say hello to Brittney for me; I think you two will get along just fine. Rest in peace baby girl. You deserve to be happy and pain free.

I love you.