learningtolove17's Journal

Kellie came over for a little bit this morning. ...Well, she picked me up and I rode with her somewhere. She said I was quiet. I guess I was. But she was talking.... that's why. I like listening to her talk. When she's talking, I know she's still here... and it feels like she wants to be here, you know? If I talk and she's quiet, then it feels like she doesnt. So I like listening to her talk....

 When she dropped me off, she leaned her head in waiting for a kiss. just like we used to do. So I kissed her. And she stayed in the same position. So I kissed her again. And again. And Again. And again. Just like always. Then she said "Oh! Audrey wants to see your ring!" Audrey is her cousin. So she said "I'll just go in with you and get it" I said "Oh, right... I forgot to give it back."

The ring was my promise ring she bought me. I don't think I took it off since I got it until we broke up. I'll never forget the day she gave it to me..

We were sitting on my bed, our legs hanging off. And she looked at me and started talking about how much she loved me, and how she wanted to be with me forever. And she pulled the box out of her pocket, took my hand, and said I want you to know I want to be with you forever. I promise Im going to marry you  one day Kara.

God I wish I could go back to that...

It feels so much like we're dating. The "I love yous", the hugs, the kissing, the emotional support and love and everything... we feel just like we used to. Or at least I do. I feel so... amazing when I'm with her. Like I'm free. Like I'm safe and comfortable and special. Like I'm something to be proud of. Like I'm loved. And I love that feeling.

I love her... 

But I feel like I have a half-way broken heart. Part of its been healed by the feel of a relationship, by the knowledge she still misses me and is still in love with me, by acting like we're still together. But part... part just needs the relationship. Part needs the ASSURANCE she still loves me. I need to be hers and I need her to be mine, just like always. God I need HER. 

Tomorrow will be two weeks. Two long weeks of solitude, tears, and pain. And hope, happiness, and love. How can such good and bad emotions mix so easily? How did this happen?

I know she needs time and space.... but what about what I need?