soberoneyearandmore

About Me

I would have to say that my recovery started about 6mo prior to my official recovery/sobriety date. I was browsing a "sex board" and a discussion about God ensued. Someone mentioned C.S. Lewis's book "The Problem of Pain." I picked it up and read it. Two points stood out. One is that if you believe Jesus was a great moral teacher, then he is exactly who he says he is (Son of God) or he is a lunatic. No in between. I recognized the wisdom in that statement and began to read everything I could find on Jesus. Second point was that "pain is God's megaphone" trying to get your attention and bringing you closer to Him. When I told this to my therapist 6mo later, he smiled and said "that's how God works." That is when I STARTED to recognize the signs of how God communicates with us. 6mo after that, I was at the tail-end of a binge cycle. I had acted out for 2 weeks straight and spent an inordinate amount of money. On Easter Sunday 2008, she found an email on my mobile phone from an escort service. I felt conflicted. On one hand, I felt relief that the secret was out. No more hiding, no more lying, no more deception. On the other hand, I saw her tremendous pain. I felt terribly ashamed and terribly afraid that she would run away. If she hadn't been 5 months pregnant, she would have. I lied one more time. i told her that had been a one time event and that I really had a porn addiction. the latter was true. She said - you make all the arrangements for therapy, then I'll know you care about this marriage. We started couples/trauma therapy. My sister, who happens to be a psychoanalyst, told me that If got therapy, I needed to see someone who specialized in childhood trauma. If I didn't deal with the original trauma, the addiction would resurface, if not as porn, as something else. Our couples therapist then referred us to a sex therapist. When I spoke to the sex therapist, he told me that a 3 day intensive therapy session would result in eliminating the addiction for good. I said "sign me up!!!" He then said that it involved a full disclosure followed by a polygraph test. My heart sank. When I told my wife about it, she started to cry and said: "I need to know the truth." So I knew what I had to do. Prior to the disclosure we signed an agreement that we would stay married for one year no matter what came out. My commitment was for 2 years. The disclosure was the most difficult and painful 40 minutes of my life. Once I did it and passed the polygraph, she gave me a "reply." She told me everything she felt about this addiction, how it affected her and what she expected. I had to repeat what she said (for 40 min) word for word. I heard every word she vented. The last day, she wrote me a letter telling me how much she loved me and how she knew I would beat the addiction. That my willingness to come clean meant I was committed to making this work. I keep the letter with me at all times and read it whenever I feel down. Interestingly, after the disclosure, I was incredibly attracted to her, and vice versa. Sex better than it had ever been. All our inhibitions were gone!. Sex was more intimate now, not just some activity. I'd never felt sex in that manner. About 4mo later, our son was born. We stopped having sex because she was so uncomfortable and of course the delivery. At this time I developed sexual anorexia. This was painful for both of us. I was not sure what was wrong. Luckily, one of my recovery partners got me in touch with Heart-to-Heart counseling in Colorado Springs and I did a 10 week program on Sexual Anorexia. After the 8th week I started to change. I'm still dealing with the anorexia but it is in check. It has been much trickier to deal with than the addiction, quite frankly. One of the child wounds I had to deal with was the "father wound." Even thought my mother was the main abuser, my father's abandonment was incredibly painful. This is a specially painful issue for men and difficult to recognize. It was only after a series of exercises that I found where much of the "frozen" pain was coming from. I am still processing these wounds. I am starting to develop a relationship with my father. I told him about my addiction and many of the things that happened when I was a kid. He did not know many of them. He said he was sorry and wished he had known, that he would have done more. That actually meant a lot, I did not expect it to. My mother is unavailable due to her own addictions and other issues. Now I am working on being relational with my wife and my kids. I have a polygraph every 6mo. I passed the last one in March. This has helped rebuild the trust with my wife. In addition, it helps ME, it validates my recovery efforts. Boundary work has been key. Pia Mellody's book "The Intimacy Factor" is wonderful on boundaries. Our therapist also recommended John Mattson's "7principles to Making a Marriage Work." We did the Imago program as well which gave us some good tips on communicating. I am also considering a career change. i do have a psychology background. I decided I will be going to The Meadows in to undergo Pia Mellodie's trauma therapy training. Twenty good things that have come from recovery: 1) i stopped having migraines 2) I stopped getting cold sweats 3) I am no longer angry 4) I can sleep at night 5) I am starting the joy that I had been missing 6) I am now a devoted father and husband. 7) I found God - as a scientist, it was easy for me to make all sorts of excuses to justify my misbehavior. 8) I have learned that loving someone is something you do. 9) i spend more time with my wife and kids than with work 10) i am wiser 11) I have temperance 12) I am starting to feel at peace 13) I am more gentle 14) I am a better listener 15) I have self esteem 16) I have learned to fight for my wife's heart 17) I am teaching my children to be functional adults 18) i can admit I'm wrong and promptly make amends 19) I don't lie! 20) last but not least is that I have done what I needed to do to stop the addiction cycle, spared my sons from this horrible nightmare. I can keep going but now I feel like I'm boasting. Recovery has been absolutely wonderful but it has been very difficult, especially the first 9mo. I am glad I plunged into it not knowing how deep and cold the waters were. Perhaps had I known I may have hesitated. Nevertheless, I stayed afloat and swam. I am also glad of all the people I've met through recovery all with their own stories of strength and hope. I am reminded again of the words of the much admired, C.S. Lewis. "God gives us the ability to turn evil on its head." I've lived that statement. I have turned something dark and sinister into a source of strength and clarity. I also know that we all have that ability. It is just a matter of finding it.

I would have to say that my recovery started about 6mo prior to my official recovery/sobriety date. I was browsing a "sex board" and a discussion about God ensued. Someone mentioned C.S. Lewis's book "The Problem of Pain." I picked it up and read it. Two points stood out. One is that if you believe Jesus was a great moral teacher, then he is exactly who he says he is (Son of God) or he is a lunatic. No in between. I recognized the wisdom in that statement and began to read everything I could find