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stillstanding 
This is a hard relationship. I don't know what to do. I keep reading inspirational quotes and trying to find things to keep myself busy and just trying to convince myself that I am a strong woman.
I asked our friends to come over and talk to both of us about what we're going through. He said yeah we're having problems, so did I, and he says he feels trapped. I wanted to scream and shout that I really felt trapped. When he left for Iraq and left me with care of the house, the kids, the bills and taking care of myself and being there for him.....all while he was gone.....and when he came back physically but not emotionally and i still cared for things and made up stories for the girls even though he should've been the one here......I felt trapped. I never wanted things to go the way they have and that is why I feel trapped. I felt so trapped it was hard for me to decide on whether or not to leave my job. but i fucking stood by him. He says he should be in the house for the kids and I say exactly! be there for the kids that doesn't mean just sleeping there but actually spending time at the house. All of his projects that he starts then stops, his dad came and started some grape plants for him because he wanted them to make something out of them and he's done nothing with them. He cried about not spending time with his mom before she died and I told him to remember that his dad is still here. His family needs him, his daughters, his sister, brothers, dad and me! He has been in his own world for a long time now and he needs to snap out of it! He is stuck and needs to get his shit together as if he were a kid growing up. I feel bad that I didn't tell him earlier, its my fault, I tried to in my own way and I guess that wasn't fair.
In one of our conversations I told him that I was wondering why he stayed at Barberry when he knew that our relationships problems were at work? I wondered why because he had a full-time job and the navy and he knew I wanted to make a career at Princeton? He responded by yelling "why didn't you tell me that before" and "i feel like you just let our relationship slip through my fingers"! I yelled back that he needs to stop saying that because he certainly didn't try by cutting down on work hours or trying to spend time to make things better, by going to his counseling etc. He stopped talking. I hate that I am able to voice myself and he doesn't.
He cheated on me and then tries to say that he thought that we were on a break and that he didn't sleep with the girl, that I know because I moved her into the apartments. Oh my heart and my stomach! I cried for days and I still cry. I feel guilty and I didn't even do anything.
Now he has been talking to me on his weekends and he has heard that I want him to be the strong person that he used to be, especially when we started, and he has yet to do anything that I asked. He hasn't tried to get back into counseling, and he blames his feelings on when he was in Iraq and came back to his mom dying and the way I treated him. He has yet to try to spend lunches or work breaks with me. Once he has spent lunch and he said the other day that why should he spend his breaks here arguing. He has yet tried to make any sacrifices with his work hours either.
I keep trying to be understanding and supportive but it's been like this since he left in August 2007. I cannot keep this up and keep up with my girls. I can't and I try so hard! I try not to be pushy and I try not to have high hopes. But I want some appreciation! I have told him how hard everything has been on me and he doesn't apologize or even offer sympathy.
I think I just need to give up. The past week I have started getting rid of stuff in the house again, stuff that isn't needed and is only helping to clutter up our lives. I built a dresser from IKEA, without asking him and only out of trying to help him get more organized, and cleaned all the boxes out of his closet, got rid of all unnecessary clothes that were in the boxes, vacummed up the mice poop, put the dresser in, filled all the drawers and organized his closet. This morning his reaction was wow! and he looked in my closet and asked me if I wanted the dresser over there and I told him that I was trying to help him get organized. I told him "your welcome" cuz he never thanked me then he said thank you.
While I was cleaning his boxes, I found a box that had these nice pants that he wore out on a day that he said that we could work our problems out. There were condoms in his pockets. This took me back to my heartache. I hate this 'cuz I hate this feeling and it always makes me want to argue with him which is exactly what he doesn't like doing, arguing with me or probably anyone. I just sent him text asking him if he remembers the pants that he wore on a specific day that I remember him wearing them and he says no.
I think he's still seeing this girl even though he told me he's not. I realize I will always be doubtful of him. Because of this, I don't think I can do this. I mean really doubt him not just wonder. I know that I need to get through this in order to be happy but I just don't know that I can. I so badly wanted to argue back with him when he says he doesn't remember the pants because I think he does but I can't keep bringing up the past. I just wish he would get his shit together! Its been a long time even though he's just realized everything that's been going on. I asked him whens the last time he's spent time with his family like he used to. Ever since he's been back there has been no real happiness. I'm feeling stuck between wanting him to leave
again and him coming back all the way. I told him I should've never let him go there if that's the cause.
I even thought about leaving him with the house and the kids and i could go off and do whatever i want instead of being responsible for the family. Let him truly have to care for things because nobody else will. I know that whatever it is that I need to feel the way I used to is within me and I won't find it in somebody else. I know that. It's just hard to believe it sometimes. I wonder if he's going to keep growing down or if he's ever going to try to get things together. That is all i wanted him to do is try to get things together not just say that he wants things back together.
