Journal

I cleaned the den up for him, I did so even though after meeting with a friend of mine today and hearing her say WHY??????......I remembered when I told the girls yesterday that I wanted them to help me clean up "daddy's room" before he gets back and the youngest one says:

                          "why???he messed it up not me!"

Spot On Girl!  He did! 

Anywho, I am now waiting for him to call from the airport.  I wish I knew someone else that can pick him up because I really don't want to.  I'm sort of dreading the conversation that I'm going to have with him about him leaving me alone and NC basically.  I'm scared but I'm miserable. If I just do it I will stop being scared and the miserable stuff will go away sooner!

Of course, another issue. He's leaving tomorrow morning for "umatilla" supposedly.  The oldest one wants me to take her to her friends house but we need the car that he said he might take.  I also wanted to go out tomorrow nite and drink at my best friends house.  the oldest one apparently talked to him and so he told her he would take his dad's car...this made her happy but I would like to use the car at nite

Part of my conversation tonite is that he needs to take Isabel because I need to go out....and I do! 

When I met with my friend today, she was in total shock that basically B has had NO reprecussions for having the affair.  He didn't lose his job, he didn't lose a place to stay (not for long because I let him back home) and he's still doing what he wants. I'm pretty sure he's not rushing off to be with his family after all of the time that he's mostly stayed away from everyone since he came back.  He's rushing off to be with that girl I'm sure. & if he isn't then how miserable am I that I can't trust him?  I was talking with T today and when I thought about how I heard her say that she really liked him and that he better not be leading her on.....if she really felt that way then how can i believe him when he says that he broke it off with her by saying that he had problems.  If the girl knew that he had someone but still persisted in a relationship with him why is she going to say 'ok' and let him stop it?

What gets me also is that HE is just wrong, wrong, wrong! He doesn't care who gets hurt (the kids are already obviously disrespecting him) and he thinks that he's thinking about others/being the 'good guy' but.....he's sorely mistaken!

I need to take my girls lead and do what they do....just don't give him the time....'cuz he doesn't give them or me the time!

Awwww!!!! He's coming back tomorrow.  I'm not ready for the rollercoaster feelings that will come back with him.  I'm not wanting his mood swings: happy,not wanting 2 talk,has "project", project is forgotten, doesn't want to be contacted....just not wanting any of it!

I have an email in my drafts folder about how I don't want 2 sleep with him when he gets back.  I didn't send it but I did tell him that he could go ahead and take off for Umatilla when he gets back.....I don't need him to wait around to take me to the mechanic for my car. (i was hoping to go out and let him stay with the girls but he wants to go and obviously didn't think about what i may need or the fact that the girls would like to spend time with him) Yesterday I had told him that I was thinking that we could have a family dinner and his response was "how about a lunch because I want to go to Umatilla to help my brother/dad buy some land".

Hmmm.....he isn't even back and he's already thinking about leaving. So he can go.  I won't stop him for nothing!  I can't. 

Anyways, talked to my old boss and I'm going to work on Monday and I already have Tuesday lined up too!  I'm hoping that I get more hours because I don't like being in the house by myself and the kids start school next week.  I'll be at Bally's when I don't have work.

He is suggesting that I take a class for doing taxes...gives me something to do.  I think I'm going to try it if he gives me the information.  He probably won't because I said yes to doing it (which means he'll do it instead?).

Anywho, going to meet with Tina tomorrow at 12 so I must get some ZZZZ's so I get up early to do some exercises, shower & meet with her. Then i need to wash some blankets at a laundrymat because they don't fit in our washer. I need to clean the den for him to sleep. take a nap and then pick him up around 11 or 12 tomorrow nite.

i still feel the same way i did yesterday.  I did get a good morning ,how are u text this morning from him and I haven't answered.  I'm torn between trying to keep us together and just saying "fuck it".  I think I for now, today, that I need to forget it.  He hasn't committed to me ever, he has said that he wants to work things out, but never actually comitted to me so why do i want to keep that together?  Of course, its true what I told him that I want to be 'in love' again, I want to be important to someone else again....I do & I want to be that way with him but I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do....I asked him if he wants to feel good too...but

all he said is he just wants to work and he's fine if he's working. i told him that yes, working is important, it's how we identify ourselves to others when asked but....work isn't there when we're old or when we get sick.  Therefore I don't want to make my work the absolute important thing for me and that I was obviously in a different place emotionally & spiritually than he is.

I think it's good that I just go ahead and focus on me.  I've been getting upset, truly upset, over this guy since he came back from Iraq last year and if he won't go to his counseling to get help dealing with his issues then I can't do it for him no matter how much I want him normal again.  I started getting written up and even suspended, in a nice way, because of my job performance which waned greatly when he came back....to the point I can't get the unemployment!  Too much to this guy. He should be the one losing out not me, I didn't go through hell & high waters to fail!  Again, I am just angry at him again!

It makes me angry to think that I invested all the time, money & energy to this guy for all these years to get absolutely nothing out of it!  & he wants me to depend on him for absolutely everything!  I am going to go back to work full-time again and become a stronger woman again for me & my girls.  They know, because he tells them, that I am not working full-time and therefore when I need to pay bills or buy groceries etc that he pays for it.  I want to cancel that account because I hate that I do need the money for help because it's like he's paying for me to stay here. I'll do that as soon as I get full-time again.

I dealt with & overcame obstacles too much in my life to become a needy person.  I need me and nobody else to make me a strong person.  I need me to take care of my girls on a constant basis.  I also told him that I was amazed that my girls, who I had a tendacy to spend less time with last year, still adored me and that they deserve more than whatever time or attention I was willing or able to give them.  It is exactly what he's doing to them, making them wait and take whatever he gives them.  Its a horrible thing to do to kids!  I think that you should show children/youth that you are either there for them or not....don't make them wonder.

I need to go spend an hour on the treadmill and then drop off some watermelon & keys.  Maybe I'll finish venting later tonite again.