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les4love 
3:06pm, November 13, 2009
Are getting better...I think. But every time I think things are looking up they seem to fall flat on my face and I cant seem to get back to that pedestal called grace...
I moved out of my house in Vegas and ran away down here to the OC. And I am happy, but this huge part of me feels this overwhelming need to go home, back to my mommy. I am so homesick and I know that its because of the change and the adjustment. But when will the adjustment period be over? My mom didnt get along most of the time, but she was who I went to for everything. Now we talk daily on facebook and over IM but thats just not the same as sitting on her bed watching movies and talking as she got ready to go out. Dont get me wrong, I love the people I am living with and I can go to them for anything, but I still feel so homesick.
I am starting to go back to school though, so thats one good thing about the situation. And I have access to all the Harleys I want (a major plus to the situation) and I do have alot more freedom...So Im just whining I guess. I think Ill start going out to all the good clubs and things like that, get to know some people. That should totally help :)
Well, off to figure it all out. :)
UPDATED GOALS
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Progress 50%
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I guess you could even say that Ive used them as a crutch. Ive always gotten alot of love and affection from my friends and family, from everyone surrounding me...and I credit that, mostly, to my looks. But now, living in this new place, I feel so unsure and shakey in my place right now that I feel that I have lost all of my confidence...I find myself thinking twice when I choose a pair of heels, that I second guess my outfit when I look in the mirror by the front door before I go out...I dont do my hair, I just throw it into a pony tail because I cant seem to be happy with anything my hair does lately. Just all of these little things, and tons more, are building up and theyre making me second guess every little thing that I do and say. I dont feel comfortable with the way I walk or talk or my facial expressions. I used to be so confident and carefree, I knew I was attractive and I felt absuloutely gorgeous, and now I just want to hide under my covers so the world cant see my face. I really dont know how to deal for a while here, and I know that if I dont get better then its only going to get worse but I really have no clue how to take that first step.
UPDATED GOALS
Create Happiness
Progress 60%
Encouragements: 0
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I am back in California to stay, living in the OC, and I honestly couldnt be happier. It meant leaving my friends and alot of my family...But here I can have a fresh start and I can start living the way I WANT, not the way everyone says I should. My dad keeps telling me that Long Beach has like the highest lesbian population or something like that, and Laguna is absolutely beautiful, Im pretty close to all of that so I think life is going to be good. I dont think Im neccesarily looking for a partner but I like the idea of california girls like me :)
Life is good, this past week has been amazing and Im honestly happy. You know how I can tell? I woke up smiling this morning lol. thats something amazing
*sigh* goodbye sin city, hello orange county.
This is gonna be good, I can feel it.
UPDATED GOALS
Create Happiness
Progress 95%
Encouragements: 0
Add your supportPast Entries
| October 2009 |
Saturday, 10/03
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July 2009 |
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Monday, 7/06
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Saturday, 7/04
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Friday, 5/01
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March 2009 |
Friday, 3/27
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Saturday, 3/21
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Friday, 3/20
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Goal Updated
Hi, just wanted to tell you I feel exactly how you feel! I used to get made fun of when I was younger because I definitely went through that "awkward phase" where I was incredibly unattractive... and then during high school people decided I was pretty and it was new and exciting and I felt good about myself. And people were finally being friendlier towards me. But it started to feel scary after a while, like, I felt since I hadn't been that way forever that it was something impermanent and could be taken away from me at any minute. I wake up in the mornings and look at myself in the mirror and think, "My God, I don't know how I did it, but I've gotten uglier since yesterday." And then I feel horrible. I feel like my looks matter to people more than anything else, and like it's all I really have going for me. If I lose it, then I'll have nothing else left. Nobody will want anything to do with me anymore.
Anyway, yeah, just letting you know you're not alone in this.
kokahum
Whoops, typo, I meant "I know exactly how you feel." Oh well.
kokahum