gramybear's Journal

I JUST NEED TO WRITE BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I NEED TO WRITE ABOUT. SO MANY THINGS ARE GOING ON AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THE DA'S OFFICE FOR MY GRANDCHILDREN. I HOPE ONE OF THEM WILL WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH ME THIS WEEKEND. I HAVE A2 BEDROOM 2 BATH MOBILE AND MY MOM IS GOING TO MOVE IN WITH ME. SHE HAS HER OWN BUT SHE IS FARTHER OUT FROM TOWN AND I WORRY ABOUT HER SO MUCH. I ASKED HER TO MOVE IN. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HER MOBILE SELLS BECAUSE THAT COULD TAKE A VERY LONG TIME. I DON'T WANT TO MISS TIME WITH MY MOM AND THEN BE SORRY THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TOGETHER BEFORE SHE DIES. SHE IS 75 AND HAS A LOT OF HEALTH PROBLEMS. HER WORSE PROBLEM IS HAVING COPD AND EMPHASEMA WHICH REALLY AFFECTS HER BREATHING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT MY MOM. JUST THINKING OF IT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES. I HAVE BEEN FEELING DEPRESSED AGAIN LATELY AND TEARS COME TO MY EYES AND I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT.  IT'S SO FRUSTRATING! WHEN I GET THAT WAY, I ALSO GET SUICIDAL BUT I KNOW I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN GOD AND JESUS AND I KNOW THAT IT'S A SIN. I REALLY WISH IT WASN'T BUT I HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACTS AND KNOW THAT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO  MYSELF. THERE IS ANOTHER REASON AND THAT OF COURSE IS MY GRANDDAUGTERS. I DON'T THINK THEY COULD HANDLE THAT AND I DON'T WANT TO PUT SUCH GUILT ON THEM AND KNOWING MY OLDEST, SHE WOULD FEEL RESPONSIBLE BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED. WE ARE SO CLOSE AND I JUST DON'T THINK I COULD DO THAT TO HER. IN FACT I KNOW I COULDN'T DO IT TO HER. I LOVE HER TOO MUCH AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER. I HOPE SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. I LOVE MY SONS AND MY GRANDCHILDREN SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS AND I JUST CAN'T FIND A WAY TO LET THEM KNOW JUST HOW MUCH. RIGHT NOW I LIVE ALONE AND I REALLY FEEL LONELY. MAYBE ONCE MY MOM MOVES IN WITH ME, THE DEPRESSION WILL SUBSIDE FOR BOTH OF US, OR AT LEAST IT WON'T BE AS STRONG. I WANT TO FEEL LIKE I DID OVER A YEAR AGO BEFORE I ENDED UP WITH AGORAPHOBIA, ANXIETY, AND SEVERE DEPRESSION. I THINK I'M GOING TO START CRYING AGAIN SO IM GOING TO END THIS. ITS HARD TO WRITE THROUGH TEARS.