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gramybear 
8:31pm, September 6, 2009
I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU WHO LISTEN TO MY RAMBLINGS AND SHOW THAT YOU CARE.I TRULY MEAN IT WHEN I SAY THAT YOUR CARING MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME THAT IT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES. IT'S HARDTO FIND TRUE CARING FRIENDS. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY LIFE. GOD B
LESS YOU ALL....
LESS YOU ALL....
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I JUST NEED TO WRITE BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I NEED TO WRITE ABOUT. SO MANY THINGS ARE GOING ON AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THE DA'S OFFICE FOR MY GRANDCHILDREN. I HOPE ONE OF THEM WILL WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH ME THIS WEEKEND. I HAVE A2 BEDROOM 2 BATH MOBILE AND MY MOM IS GOING TO MOVE IN WITH ME. SHE HAS HER OWN BUT SHE IS FARTHER OUT FROM TOWN AND I WORRY ABOUT HER SO MUCH. I ASKED HER TO MOVE IN. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HER MOBILE SELLS BECAUSE THAT COULD TAKE A VERY LONG TIME. I DON'T WANT TO MISS TIME WITH MY MOM AND THEN BE SORRY THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TOGETHER BEFORE SHE DIES. SHE IS 75 AND HAS A LOT OF HEALTH PROBLEMS. HER WORSE PROBLEM IS HAVING COPD AND EMPHASEMA WHICH REALLY AFFECTS HER BREATHING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT MY MOM. JUST THINKING OF IT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES. I HAVE BEEN FEELING DEPRESSED AGAIN LATELY AND TEARS COME TO MY EYES AND I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING! WHEN I GET THAT WAY, I ALSO GET SUICIDAL BUT I KNOW I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN GOD AND JESUS AND I KNOW THAT IT'S A SIN. I REALLY WISH IT WASN'T BUT I HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACTS AND KNOW THAT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO MYSELF. THERE IS ANOTHER REASON AND THAT OF COURSE IS MY GRANDDAUGTERS. I DON'T THINK THEY COULD HANDLE THAT AND I DON'T WANT TO PUT SUCH GUILT ON THEM AND KNOWING MY OLDEST, SHE WOULD FEEL RESPONSIBLE BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED. WE ARE SO CLOSE AND I JUST DON'T THINK I COULD DO THAT TO HER. IN FACT I KNOW I COULDN'T DO IT TO HER. I LOVE HER TOO MUCH AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER. I HOPE SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. I LOVE MY SONS AND MY GRANDCHILDREN SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS AND I JUST CAN'T FIND A WAY TO LET THEM KNOW JUST HOW MUCH. RIGHT NOW I LIVE ALONE AND I REALLY FEEL LONELY. MAYBE ONCE MY MOM MOVES IN WITH ME, THE DEPRESSION WILL SUBSIDE FOR BOTH OF US, OR AT LEAST IT WON'T BE AS STRONG. I WANT TO FEEL LIKE I DID OVER A YEAR AGO BEFORE I ENDED UP WITH AGORAPHOBIA, ANXIETY, AND SEVERE DEPRESSION. I THINK I'M GOING TO START CRYING AGAIN SO IM GOING TO END THIS. ITS HARD TO WRITE THROUGH TEARS.
WHY CAN'T THIS JUST GO AWAY. IT WAS BAD ENOUGH WHEN IT WAS ONLY MY ONE GRANDDAUGHTER GOING THROUGH WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH WITH MY EX, BUT NOW I FIND OUT THAT MY YOUNGER GRANDDAUGHTER WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR AND I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE THE SVU UNIT AND THE DA'S OFFICE IS DOING ANYTHING. THAT MAN CANNOT GET AWAY WITH WHAT HE HAS DONE TO THEM. WE HAVE DECIDED TO FIND A SEX ABUSE SUPPORT GROUP AND I'M GOING TO TAKE THEM TO THE MEETINGS. THAT'S IF WE CAN FIND ANY. WE ARE ALSO ALLOWED TO SOME FREE ONE ON ONE WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE DEALT ONLY WITH SEXUAL ABUSE WHICH SHOULD HELP ALL OF US. I'M ALLOWED TO GO INTO THE FIRST VISIT WITH THEM AND THEN THEY WILL BE ON THEIR OWN. BUT AT LEAST I CAN BE THERE FOR THEM WHEN THEY GET OUT OF THE MEETING. I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THEIR LIVES BACK TO NORMAL AND MAKE MY EX PAY FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE. I KNOW THAT IF THE DA DOESN'T MAKE HIM PAY, OUR GOOD LORD WILL, IN HIS TIME AND IN HIS WAY. MY SON'S ARE HAVING PROBLEMS TOO AND NOW I AM WORRYING ABOUT THEM AND MY MOTHERS HEALTH ISN'T VERY GOOD SO I WANT HER TO COME AND LIVE WITH ME. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY REGRETS IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HER. I'M GOING TO DO SOME MORE READING. I'M TIRED.
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it breaks my heart to read your jounal but ill tell you ARE A AMAZING LADY and i get my strength from you, if i was in your shoes i would have gone mental by now and ended up in some hospital.........so i THANK YOU and by the strength of god may your pain get less and less each day.......please dont think you ramb on YOU DONT its what this wonderful site is for and us as your brothers and sister as one.
you take care my friend
lorraine..xx
lolly49