randomness
I have a history exam tomorrow and i am freaking out to the extreme. I am so very extremly nervous that i have feel my …
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caffiend115 
8:16pm November 17
So this post is long overdue and I want to use it to clear a couple things up. I haven't been making the best first impressions lately and I've been constantly misjudged, and it's my own fault for behaving the way I have. So here's the story.
I've been a wreck these past few weeks. For a few months now, I lost myself in my fight. I've been on the brink of throwing in the towel for a while now and despite the genuine concern from those around me, my loving friends, my family, everyone, I've gone deeper and deeper into this downward spiral. I've never known how to take care of myself. I've always been the one to put the well being of others before mine and I've never had a problem with that. With that being said, when things get rough, I get self destructive. I do things that if I just used a second of rational thought, I would never do. I've been told I have a "savior complex." I can't deny that one bit. It's like everything I do, I do to make up for whatever I couldn't do for my father.
Now, some back story.
Yes, my father died from cancer when I was fifteen. Yes, it's been five years. However, I've never coped. I've never grieved properly. There are so many unresolved emotions I've pent up for years that I'm only now trying to learn how to deal with. So, if I cry and completely meltdown from time to time, sober or not, I need people to understand that my dad was the most important person in my life. He was my hero. He was the man who despite everything, made sure that my brother and I had everything that we not only needed, but wanted. There isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think about how he won't be there to see me graduate or walk me down the aisle when I get married. There isn't a single night where I would give up everything to get one more hug and kiss good night. When he was sick, if the doctors had told me he needed something and I was somehow able to give it to him, despite whatever harm it would've done to me, I wouldn't have needed a single second to even doubt my immediate yes. Therefore, everything I do, I do for him. I do it to make him proud to call me his baby girl.
I want to be a pediatric oncologist. I've wanted to be a doctor for as long as I can remember and despite whatever protestation I gave my father when he asked me to go into medicine, I've always known that was my calling. My dad, before his second surgery, sat me down and said, "Please be a doctor. It's my only dying wish from my little girl." Now, here I am, unable to accomplish this because of my health, both physical and mental, my lack of intelligence and whatever else. Here I am, a failure, a disappointment. Everything my dad worked for to get me where I am today, wasted. The one thing he ever asked of me, I can't accomplish. It's killing me. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I find myself crying all the time. I don't know what to do.
However, despite all of this negativity, I'm still a fighter. I am ambitious even though I lose my motivation from time to time. I am strong as shit. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and pull myself back together. I'm not going to give up on medical school, ever. Everything I do, I do for a reason. I do it to escape reality. When I cry, it's not because I'm some drunken mess, it's because that's the only time where despite whatever shame I feel about being vulnerable or depressed, it all takes the back seat and I can just release everything.
Don't look at me like I'm crazy. Don't look at me like I'm trashy.
I'm me, even though a lot of the times I don't know who me is. I know that I'm a workaholic who puts a lot of pressure on myself, that needs to save everyone from their demons and runs away from my own. I'm insecure. I'm emotional. I have a lot going on in my head that NO ONE knows about. So before passing judgement, take the time to get to know me and I'll show that I despite whatever it is I'm going through right now, I am an amazing woman who you would be lucky to have in your life.
The end.
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Inablity to achieve your career goal can be very devastating to a person, whether the inablility is real or perceived..I have myself experienced it..
But the good news is that the world is very vast , and there are virtually unlimited number of avenues and opportnuties in life..I myself wanted to become a scientist since i was a kid, but persistent mental illness prevented me from achieving my potential...But the universe is very vast , and i have now found an equally satisfying career.(psychology)
Robyn, what do you mean when you say , you are about to throw in the towel? Are you very depressed or distressed? If that is so, dont hesitate to approach a counsellor/therapist.And please try to avoid drinking.
understand that in depression , people tend to see things in a very pessismistic way, and doubt their capabilities, even considering themselves worthless..depression can make a person resort to drinking as a way to escape the pain... If a person gets good treatment , she will surely improve and will be able to tackle the issues of life in a much more better way... Hope that helps..**HUGS**
bluejohn