randomness
I have a history exam tomorrow and i am freaking out to the extreme. I am so very extremly nervous that i have feel my …
Join Now
caffiend115 
8:16pm November 17
I'm beginning to feel like I've lost my identity. I know who I am in terms of my personality and in relation to other people, but ever since I was diagnosed with the pulmonary embolism, I feel like I've let that become who I am. For six months, I was the sick girl who was on medical leave. Now, I'm back in school and I don't have a massive blood clot in my lung, but for some reason, I can't stop shaking the label of "the sick girl." No one treats me really differently. Friends offer to help me carry things more often, but other than that, no one treats me differently. Every time I call home, the whole family asks about my health. Before, my grandma saying "take care of yourself" was a routine part of our conversation but now it's, "take care of YOUR HEALTH." I know it's not a drastic change...but it's like my health is what defines me. I know this sounds ridiculous, but when do I stop thinking of myself as the girl that almost died and start think of myself as the girl who survived and made it through?
I'm supposed to be getting off my blood thinners in December and as much of a pain in the ass getting prodded with a needle every week was, I don't want to get off them. It's become my crutch. As long as I'm on my Coumadin, I will be fine. Sure, my brain might bleed, but I won't have a clot anymore. That's all that matters. Everyday, I look at my bracelet. It says, "Rupal Patel / On Coumadin." I've been wearing this since January...I've gotten used to it being there. I've never taken it off, not even for my cousin's wedding that I was in. I can't imagine it not being there. I don't care about the attention. That's not what this is about. Quite frankly, I hate having everyone worry about me all the time and having everyone back home treat me like I have to reevaluate my future because of what happened. It's about me wanting to feel comfortable and safe. My bracelet, my blood thinners...they make me feel safe.
I'm torn. I'm torn between wanting to shake off the "sicky" label and wanting to have a guarantee that I'll be ok...even though there is no guarantee. I'm not sure if this whole thing makes any sense at all. I just wanted to get my thoughts down in writing so maybe I can wake up and look at it tomorrow or as December draws nearer to help me figure things out.
Comments
You might also like ...
fortune cookies never lie!!!
my professor handed out fortune cookies (they were a bit hard, but still good). Any ways, that's not the reason for …
europe?
i had the chance of going to a field school in Italy, the due date for registering was this coming Monday. I've …
Wow honey that is really something ,you survived and are healthy . Be grateful you do not want to take those blood thinner the rest of your life ?. I am stuck taking my meds the rest of my life and it sucks .
AldoM