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caffiend115 
2:46pm
Dear Soulmate,
It’s funny how things fall together. When I met you, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with you. The idea of dating again was really scary, but you sucked me in with your boyish charm and big blue eyes. The first night we talked on the phone, it was after you took me for a drive, and you told me you wanted to be a pediatric oncologist too. As soon as you said that, my heart skipped a beat and that’s when I knew. I know that sounds farfetched, but you sparked a feeling inside of me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. The first time we hung out, only reiterated that fact.
You know me. You know my baggage. You know my past. You know I would never lie about any of that, and for you to think that I was lying to you now about what’s been going on recently, hurts…a lot.
I miss your comfort. I miss the smell of your cologne and the warmth I felt when wrapped in your arms. I miss the feel of your soft lips pressed against mine as your hand went through my hair. I miss the way you took away all my pain just for a few moments so I could remember what it was like to wear a genuine smile. I miss looking into your baby blues feeling like the only people in the world were just you and I.
You mean more to me than you’ll ever realize. I’ve done more for you than you’ll ever realize. I’ve defended you despite all the ways you’ve wronged and hurt me and honestly, I’d do it all again if it meant that you would wake up one morning and realize that the girl that you’ve been looking for has been right in front of you the whole time.
Chasing you is like chasing magic. Waiting for you is like waiting for a shooting star amidst the smog of New York City. Wanting you is like wanting to win the lottery, the idea being absolutely wonderful but the chances of winning being slim to none. Loving you is like being stabbed a thousand times, but I’d take another thousand in a heartbeat if it meant that you were to love me back even if that love is as toxic and poisonous as you are to me right now. Pathetic, huh?
Broken heartedly yours,
Rupal
So this post is long overdue and I want to use it to clear a couple things up. I haven't been making the best first impressions lately and I've been constantly misjudged, and it's my own fault for behaving the way I have. So here's the story.
I've been a wreck these past few weeks. For a few months now, I lost myself in my fight. I've been on the brink of throwing in the towel for a while now and despite the genuine concern from those around me, my loving friends, my family, everyone, I've gone deeper and deeper into this downward spiral. I've never known how to take care of myself. I've always been the one to put the well being of others before mine and I've never had a problem with that. With that being said, when things get rough, I get self destructive. I do things that if I just used a second of rational thought, I would never do. I've been told I have a "savior complex." I can't deny that one bit. It's like everything I do, I do to make up for whatever I couldn't do for my father.
Now, some back story.
Yes, my father died from cancer when I was fifteen. Yes, it's been five years. However, I've never coped. I've never grieved properly. There are so many unresolved emotions I've pent up for years that I'm only now trying to learn how to deal with. So, if I cry and completely meltdown from time to time, sober or not, I need people to understand that my dad was the most important person in my life. He was my hero. He was the man who despite everything, made sure that my brother and I had everything that we not only needed, but wanted. There isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think about how he won't be there to see me graduate or walk me down the aisle when I get married. There isn't a single night where I would give up everything to get one more hug and kiss good night. When he was sick, if the doctors had told me he needed something and I was somehow able to give it to him, despite whatever harm it would've done to me, I wouldn't have needed a single second to even doubt my immediate yes. Therefore, everything I do, I do for him. I do it to make him proud to call me his baby girl.
I want to be a pediatric oncologist. I've wanted to be a doctor for as long as I can remember and despite whatever protestation I gave my father when he asked me to go into medicine, I've always known that was my calling. My dad, before his second surgery, sat me down and said, "Please be a doctor. It's my only dying wish from my little girl." Now, here I am, unable to accomplish this because of my health, both physical and mental, my lack of intelligence and whatever else. Here I am, a failure, a disappointment. Everything my dad worked for to get me where I am today, wasted. The one thing he ever asked of me, I can't accomplish. It's killing me. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I find myself crying all the time. I don't know what to do.
However, despite all of this negativity, I'm still a fighter. I am ambitious even though I lose my motivation from time to time. I am strong as shit. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and pull myself back together. I'm not going to give up on medical school, ever. Everything I do, I do for a reason. I do it to escape reality. When I cry, it's not because I'm some drunken mess, it's because that's the only time where despite whatever shame I feel about being vulnerable or depressed, it all takes the back seat and I can just release everything.
Don't look at me like I'm crazy. Don't look at me like I'm trashy.
I'm me, even though a lot of the times I don't know who me is. I know that I'm a workaholic who puts a lot of pressure on myself, that needs to save everyone from their demons and runs away from my own. I'm insecure. I'm emotional. I have a lot going on in my head that NO ONE knows about. So before passing judgement, take the time to get to know me and I'll show that I despite whatever it is I'm going through right now, I am an amazing woman who you would be lucky to have in your life.
The end.
Comments
I'm beginning to feel like I've lost my identity. I know who I am in terms of my personality and in relation to other people, but ever since I was diagnosed with the pulmonary embolism, I feel like I've let that become who I am. For six months, I was the sick girl who was on medical leave. Now, I'm back in school and I don't have a massive blood clot in my lung, but for some reason, I can't stop shaking the label of "the sick girl." No one treats me really differently. Friends offer to help me carry things more often, but other than that, no one treats me differently. Every time I call home, the whole family asks about my health. Before, my grandma saying "take care of yourself" was a routine part of our conversation but now it's, "take care of YOUR HEALTH." I know it's not a drastic change...but it's like my health is what defines me. I know this sounds ridiculous, but when do I stop thinking of myself as the girl that almost died and start think of myself as the girl who survived and made it through?
I'm supposed to be getting off my blood thinners in December and as much of a pain in the ass getting prodded with a needle every week was, I don't want to get off them. It's become my crutch. As long as I'm on my Coumadin, I will be fine. Sure, my brain might bleed, but I won't have a clot anymore. That's all that matters. Everyday, I look at my bracelet. It says, "Rupal Patel / On Coumadin." I've been wearing this since January...I've gotten used to it being there. I've never taken it off, not even for my cousin's wedding that I was in. I can't imagine it not being there. I don't care about the attention. That's not what this is about. Quite frankly, I hate having everyone worry about me all the time and having everyone back home treat me like I have to reevaluate my future because of what happened. It's about me wanting to feel comfortable and safe. My bracelet, my blood thinners...they make me feel safe.
I'm torn. I'm torn between wanting to shake off the "sicky" label and wanting to have a guarantee that I'll be ok...even though there is no guarantee. I'm not sure if this whole thing makes any sense at all. I just wanted to get my thoughts down in writing so maybe I can wake up and look at it tomorrow or as December draws nearer to help me figure things out.
Comments
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Wow honey that is really something ,you survived and are healthy . Be grateful you do not want to take those blood thinner the rest of your life ?. I am stuck taking my meds the rest of my life and it sucks .
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Goal Updated
Inablity to achieve your career goal can be very devastating to a person, whether the inablility is real or perceived..I have myself experienced it..
But the good news is that the world is very vast , and there are virtually unlimited number of avenues and opportnuties in life..I myself wanted to become a scientist since i was a kid, but persistent mental illness prevented me from achieving my potential...But the universe is very vast , and i have now found an equally satisfying career.(psychology)
Robyn, what do you mean when you say , you are about to throw in the towel? Are you very depressed or distressed? If that is so, dont hesitate to approach a counsellor/therapist.And please try to avoid drinking.
understand that in depression , people tend to see things in a very pessismistic way, and doubt their capabilities, even considering themselves worthless..depression can make a person resort to drinking as a way to escape the pain... If a person gets good treatment , she will surely improve and will be able to tackle the issues of life in a much more better way... Hope that helps..**HUGS**
bluejohn