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Carmelita 
8:56pm, September 26, 2009
Having a really rough time of these days. In one sense I think that most of my anxieties and feelings of being such a loser are probably just in my head, but that doesn't seem to help keep them at bay.
I just keep looking at where I am in life and am discovering more and more how wrong or blind I've been to just how poorly I've been managing all my life :-(
Although I'm 43, I've lived with my parents on and off most of my life and have lived with just my mom who is widowed for the past 8 years. I never saw it as a problem because I always believed I could be on my own whenever I wanted, but now I see that I was taking advantage of the situation even though I've always paid for room and board since I got my first fulltime job when I was 20 and have also done a fair amount of the housework, etc.
Since my dad died, my siblings have been trying to talk my mom into selling her house (where I also live) which requires a good deal of maintenance and move into something easier to manage. Yesterday, my sister visited and was pushing my mom to sell again. For one thing, she doesn't know that my mom has taken out a reverse mortgage on the property. For another, it feels as though she's trying to sell what is my home too right out from underneath me. I don't know what I'd do if the house was sold and I was unable to keep living with her.
My mom has a lot of health issues and would likely have to go to nursing home if I didn't live her. It would be a big burden on me financially to live alone because since I was laid off from my fulltime job two years ago, I'm only working part-time and have an unfortunate amount of debt.
I could go on and on and list so many other choices or events at which I've failed. I really feel as though I should just tatoo an 'L' on my forehead and give up trying to create a productive, happy life.
I feel like I'm so far down in a deep dark hole in any aspect of my life, that I'll never be able to get out. I am immobilized by fear, anxiety, panic and self-loathing. I wish I had the courage to end it all, but I'm more afraid I'll be a failure at that too and end up in even worse shape.
Comments
Dear Carmelita,
How can you judge yourself this way when God himself has given you life. He doesn't judge you why should you. I understand how you feel about your home. Why does your sister want your mother to move? It isn't her house is it? If they only realized the cost of a nursing home and what will be lost for your mother. A home and family doesn't consist of what you pay to be there but in what love and caring you put into it. You say you help with the money and you take care of your mother. I am sure that she appreciates you being there to help her and do for her. Not having a full time job maybe Gods plan for you to be able to help your mother with whatever she needs even if it is just love and company. Don't put yourself down as a loser. A loser is someone who chooses not to try. If you try and fail then you are not a looser. I think you are very couragous. It takes more courage to stay in this life and try to work on what is going on than it does to end it all. That is the cowards way out of his problems. It sounds to me like you need to see someone about your issues and work on your self esteeme. Please know that I am here for you anytime you need a friend. We all have our issues that need working on and we all have our faults but God loves us all and if we ask Him to help carry us through these dark times we will be given what we need. Hugs, Love, and prayers to you.
chickadee123405
chickadee is right God made you who are for a reason, don't look at the bottom of the hole, look up, you'll find people who care.
TJlightoflove
sweetie they r rt, God does not make mistakes, he is here he is ready to listen to u, talk to him, he will lead u to the rt road u need to b on. u r not a looser u r someone specail, u r a child of God. don't give up. i am here if u want to chat. i will keep u in my prayers. remember i love u, God loves u, u r specail not a looser
poetryangel