whitefingers's Journal

I didn't do much this year for halloween, I was in bed asleep by 9 pm! Yawn... This time last year, I was driving my kids and my daughter's BFF, Charlotte, and Charlotte's mom, Dee, we were going over to a big housing plan to trick-or-treat, so, you know, it was a SOCIAL SITUATION, I had to drink, but I couldn't pre-drink at  home, I was DRIVING...  So I prepared a can of Squirt laced with vodka, put it in the cupholder of my van, and prayed no one would ask for a sip of it on the way over... (remember that, praying your kids didn't ask for a sip of your "pop"?) I waited until I parked my car, and while the kids were getting out and getting their little flashlights and their glow sticks and their bags and their shoes tied... I was chugging that triple-shot drink. Nice. So proud. We started walking, and about 10 minutes later the drink had HIT, and I was BLATHERING to Dee, just blathering, and I felt like, she KNOWS, she must SUSPECT I'm drinking, I felt like I was saying inappropriate things... I remember being so paranoid, that I couldn't even enjoy my little buzz. I knew I was in trouble, at this point in my life.

Trickortreating lasts 2 hours. Do you think I was sober again by the time I had to drive my children and friends home? Me either.

I've spent the past 15 or so Halloween nights, blasted out of my brains at my brother's halloween party. I wake up with the dry mouth, dry throat, achey, starving, shoving stale party food into my face, and then we LOSE A DAMN HOUR , wait, no, we GAIN A DAMN HOUR, or is it lose? SHIT!!!!  Stupid daylight savings frying my brain...But I have to drive over to my mom's and pick up my kids and I feel like DEATH... and my kids are excited to see me, but I'm too deep in the post-party-paranoia, fretting over how big of an ASS I made of myself the night before... that I can't enjoy my kids even...

So this year, when my sister called, and they were all going out to a bar for a costume contest... I told her, um, heh heh...thanks, but I think I'll be... um... HOME this year... She chuckled nervously, and said, yeah, I figured, but I wanted to ... you know... let you know where we'd be...

I'm laying low. I'm not a barrel o' laughs. But I'm going to cut myself a little break here. I'm sober. I have 8 months sobriety. Which is good, but it's still pretty.. new...

I hope next year I can let loose and have some fun with this holiday, I really do... But for now, I'm going to enjoy my soft pajamas, and the big stash of chocolates my kids shared, a glass of ice-water from the fridge, and getting up in the morning with a clear head and even clearer conscience...

"This is what I want to do!"